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author anonymous
What is it that drives a marital partner to engage in an outside liaison? How can you guarantee your marriage vows will be held sacred? Life is full of unpredictable twists and turns. Help keep your marital path on the straight and narrow by taking these preventive steps to guard your fidelity.
Talk openly about everything and anything. Don't belittle the importance of small talk. You gain nothing by keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself. The more you talk the more you open a window to the real you. Friendship is the trait that will allow your relationship to remain strong.
Cultivate your friendship. Go places with each other. Talk about your interests or current events in your lives. Do things together. Do not allow yourself to take your partner's friendship or feelings for granted.
Be supportive. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. A person's lifetime is an expansive period of time. Things change, people's interests change. Your partner will at some point want to try something new; such as a career, spiritual or life habit change. These are critical moments in your relationship. Even if you don't agree with your partner's choices, approach your partner with sensitivity and understanding. Open minds and open hearts will always find solutions.
Keep your passion alive and well. No one wants to feel undesired. Take a moment now and then to ask yourself, "How can I make my partner feel more desired?" Leave little notes around the house. Let your children see you kiss and cuddle. Indulge in an impromptu escapade. Passion in a relationship lets us know that we are more than just a convenience to have around. A faithful partner is one that knows they are cherished and desired by their partner.
Don't be predictable. The spark of interest can fade when you feel you know your partner to the point of predictability. Always allow for a little mystery. Even better, constantly create a mystery. Create love hunts with clues they need to figure out. Leave surprise gifts or e-mails for your partner. Occasionally do something that is a bit out of the norm. Go see a movie you wouldn't usually watch with your partner, visit a new restaurant or take a spontaneous day trip.
HOMEWORK: For ultimate success, read this article with your partner. Discuss each point and share with each other what you agree and disagree upon. After your discussion, make a list of guidelines you promise you will follow to create an affair-proof marriage (such as the ones above). Then, decide on a method of handling problems if either of you feel things have gone off-course. For example: Step 1: We will both talk openly about the problem, allowing each person ample time to explain their concerns. Step 2: We will both offer a solution, and select a course of action. Step 3: If no solution can be presented we will seek the help of an unbiased third-party. Step 4: If a solution can still not be presented we will seek qualified outside help. (Note: You should predetermine whom or what this will be before an incident ever occurs.)
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
5 Flirting Tips for Dating Success
Flirting is not rocket science. It is simply a common sense method of letting people know you're available without being tacky or obnoxious. AND if done properly, it is your best chance at snagging your future partner! So, get ready to demystify the art of flirting with these five fabulous flirting tips. Practice your new moves on the object of your desire this weekend…
#1: Be Sincere If you're going to flirt, you need to be real about it. Anyone can spot a fake a mile away. If you're feeling insecure about your flirting skills, don't start with your secret crush since the 10th grade. Begin in a situation you are most comfortable with. If you're going to pay compliments to someone, be sincere about them. Really mean what you are saying and your results will be well worth the effort.
#2: Smile A smile is the simplest form of flattery. It shows that you are genuinely interested in the other person, and for that one single moment they are the only thing on your mind. Never underestimate the power of a smile.
#3: Touch Touch is an obvious sign of interest. Used correctly it can be a subtle way of getting a person's undivided attention. Rest a hand on their arm or on their knee when you are talking. Engage in activities that promote touch, such as dancing. Just be careful not to appear too flirtatious. The last thing you want to do is send the wrong signals.
#4: Hold Eye ContactHow do you make the object of your affection weak in the knees? Hold that meaningful gaze for just a few seconds longer than normal. Show them you're not one to turn away from something great!
#5: Be Interested In Them Want to know if they are worthy of your undivided attention? Find out more by asking them open-ended questions about themselves. Show off your flirting skills by showing them you are actually listening to what they are saying.
Note: And for those who already have the guy/girl, these are tips that you can use to keep it going. Remember, the same things you did to get them are the same things you'll have to do to to keep them.
ten possible communication blocks
"We all want, above all, to be heard - but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood - heard for what we think we are saying, for what we know we meant."
Communication is the principal building block of any relationship, but communication isn't just about expressing a thought. It's also about understanding what your partner is saying and conveying, back to them, that you understand.
Communication is often cited as the number one problem area in a relationship. If two people understand this, and are working towards having great communication, then how can they still run into problems? The reason is there may be many unknown factors contributing to the demise of a couple's communication. In this article we'll take a look at ten possible communication blocks that may be happening in your relationship.
Language
If you or your partner speaks a different first language, there can be a lot of semantic misunderstandings that may or may not be obvious. If you feel you're not being understood, really take the time to explain what you are trying to communicate.
Culture
With the Internet helping bridge gaps across territorial boundaries that once existed, this block is more important than ever. Just because you grew up with a certain philosophy about something, does not guarantee your partner did the same. Don't assume you know what your partner is thinking of or feeling about a certain issue. If you find yourselves on different sides of a disagreement, take the time to find out why they view it so differently. It could very well be they were brought up to believe things differently. Respect their choices and try and find some common ground you can both work from.
Truth, Or The Lack Of
One of the main culprits of blocking communication is the lack of truth and honesty. This is true even if you tell yourself that it isn't dishonest if you withhold a truth. For proper communication to be established, both parties involved need to be aware of everything relevant. Otherwise, one partner is always going to be hindered.
False Pretenses
This block is pretty self-explanatory. If someone tells you they are something they are not, chances are you're going to find out about it sooner or later, and not be too happy about it.
Expectations
What are your expectations of each other? How many times have you had disagreements about what you each expect from the other? If you don't clearly lay down what you both expect from each other in the roles you play (father, mother, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) you will run into this disagreement fairly often.
Misunderstandings
The bulk of disagreements come down to one single thing, misunderstandings. One person interpreted something differently; the other assumed they understood what they were saying. If you are in a disagreement find out as soon as possible what the misunderstanding is. You'll save yourself some very unhappy moments!
History (Past Experiences)
Most people apply the philosophy of let the past be my guide. Well this is great unless your past is riddled with mistrust, abuse or any other negative experiences. Remember your partner is someone new; don't compare him or her to a past experience.
On A Pedestal
If you find yourself thinking you are better (overall) than your partner, you're setting your relationship up for failure. How is it possible to accept any communication from someone you don't have respect for?
Aloofness
How do you kill a conversation in two seconds or less? Talk to someone too aloof to reciprocate any comments. Aloofness can indicate the person has shut down on some level. If you notice your partner doing this, try asking them more self-opinionated questions such as: how do you want to handle this, or what do you really think about this? Obviously this won't work if you ask them with an obvious attitude attached.
Third Party
How can you effectively communicate with someone if you have to, in effect, talk to two or possibly more people? This is the case of someone who's been third partied. Not only do you have to allay your partner's fears or concerns, but that of someone else's--usually without even talking to them. The most successful of relationships happen when the couple makes a strong commitment to never let anyone else contribute negativity to the relationship.
source anonymous
Communication is the principal building block of any relationship, but communication isn't just about expressing a thought. It's also about understanding what your partner is saying and conveying, back to them, that you understand.
Communication is often cited as the number one problem area in a relationship. If two people understand this, and are working towards having great communication, then how can they still run into problems? The reason is there may be many unknown factors contributing to the demise of a couple's communication. In this article we'll take a look at ten possible communication blocks that may be happening in your relationship.
Language
If you or your partner speaks a different first language, there can be a lot of semantic misunderstandings that may or may not be obvious. If you feel you're not being understood, really take the time to explain what you are trying to communicate.
Culture
With the Internet helping bridge gaps across territorial boundaries that once existed, this block is more important than ever. Just because you grew up with a certain philosophy about something, does not guarantee your partner did the same. Don't assume you know what your partner is thinking of or feeling about a certain issue. If you find yourselves on different sides of a disagreement, take the time to find out why they view it so differently. It could very well be they were brought up to believe things differently. Respect their choices and try and find some common ground you can both work from.
Truth, Or The Lack Of
One of the main culprits of blocking communication is the lack of truth and honesty. This is true even if you tell yourself that it isn't dishonest if you withhold a truth. For proper communication to be established, both parties involved need to be aware of everything relevant. Otherwise, one partner is always going to be hindered.
False Pretenses
This block is pretty self-explanatory. If someone tells you they are something they are not, chances are you're going to find out about it sooner or later, and not be too happy about it.
Expectations
What are your expectations of each other? How many times have you had disagreements about what you each expect from the other? If you don't clearly lay down what you both expect from each other in the roles you play (father, mother, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) you will run into this disagreement fairly often.
Misunderstandings
The bulk of disagreements come down to one single thing, misunderstandings. One person interpreted something differently; the other assumed they understood what they were saying. If you are in a disagreement find out as soon as possible what the misunderstanding is. You'll save yourself some very unhappy moments!
History (Past Experiences)
Most people apply the philosophy of let the past be my guide. Well this is great unless your past is riddled with mistrust, abuse or any other negative experiences. Remember your partner is someone new; don't compare him or her to a past experience.
On A Pedestal
If you find yourself thinking you are better (overall) than your partner, you're setting your relationship up for failure. How is it possible to accept any communication from someone you don't have respect for?
Aloofness
How do you kill a conversation in two seconds or less? Talk to someone too aloof to reciprocate any comments. Aloofness can indicate the person has shut down on some level. If you notice your partner doing this, try asking them more self-opinionated questions such as: how do you want to handle this, or what do you really think about this? Obviously this won't work if you ask them with an obvious attitude attached.
Third Party
How can you effectively communicate with someone if you have to, in effect, talk to two or possibly more people? This is the case of someone who's been third partied. Not only do you have to allay your partner's fears or concerns, but that of someone else's--usually without even talking to them. The most successful of relationships happen when the couple makes a strong commitment to never let anyone else contribute negativity to the relationship.
source anonymous
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
What men consider romantic
By Steve Friedman
Men may not melt over flowers or candlelit dinners, but there are ways to sweep them off their feet. Here’s how:
Many women consider men romance-deficient. However, I can say with confidence that these women are wrong. The problem isn’t that we lack romance. We have plenty of romance. We’re unbelievably romantic. The problem is that we define romance differently than you do. And, just as the most clueless guy can learn to buy tickets to a night of interpretive dance followed by a rousing morning of flea-market shopping, you members of the fairer sex might do well to consider what he wants. Hint: It’s not interpretive dance and flea-market shopping. So, here’s a primer for understanding what gestures men consider romantic. I’ll start with me:
Romance rule #1: Don’t expect anything in return
Michelle and I had been dating a little over a month when Valentine’s Day occurred. She’d invited me over to her place, where she was going to cook dinner. I brought some flowers and chocolates, because I’m a guy. When I entered her apartment, I could smell the steak broiling, the apple pie cooling. Very nice. But what was even nicer was her: A low-cut little cocktail dress. High heels. A string of pearls. An apron. (I’m not presumptuous enough to say it was every man’s fantasy, but being mine was good enough.) We kissed, we hugged, we ate. And all was good and romantic, until, just before dessert, Michelle rose from her chair, walked behind me to nibble an ear, then said, “OK, now help me clean up.” Women, we men folk are all about sharing and caring and doing our part to ensure fair wages and an equitable distribution of housework and whatever else we’re supposed to be all about. But when we think of romance — and we do, we really, really do — we do not think of enforced reciprocity. Just as you want us to buy you things and treat you to dinner and tell you how beautiful you are because we want to, we want you to be affectionate and giving and do the steak and apple-pie cooking because you want to. You don’t want us to say, at the end of a romantic evening, “OK, now help me with the check,” or “I shelled out a lot of cash, sweetie, now it’s your turn to pony up.” Likewise, we don’t want “will you please help clean up” to be part of a deeply romantic gesture. In most guys’ eyes (and hearts and other parts of the anatomy), romance means giving. Not sharing or swapping favors. Giving. We like it when you understand that.
Romance rule #2: Take charge
Men are generally left with some or most of the burden of organizing outings, so the day you turn the tables on him and arrange the whole deal will be close to his heart. My good friend was really struck when his wife threw him a surprise birthday party on the beach, complete with a bar full of tequila and cable TV so he wouldn’t miss any football games and lose track of his fantasy football league. For one friend of mine, having a weekend-long mountain biking trip planned in Big Sur was a highlight—especially because there’s something about the view from a mountaintop, and you with him, that gets a guy feeling very amorous.
Romance rule #3: Add a humorous twist
Men generally don’t go for sappy love notes, but if they’ve got a sense of humor or something else going for them, recognizing that can be very effective. My friend Dan says he still fondly thinks of the girlfriend “who made her own fortune cookie fortunes — not the cookie, just the fortune — and would hide them throughout my apartment, in my wallet, a book I was reading, bedside stand and even luggage. I don’t know how she did it, but she had them printed in red ink, with those little half-cut holes that come on real fortune cookies. She would come up with great quotes and would print the date next to them. Like, ‘Time spent with you multiplies my happiness exponentially.’”
Romance rule #4: Sex should be involved, almost always
Call us simple-minded brutes, but for men, sex and romance are so inextricably linked. Pretty much any effort you make in the bedroom is automatically romantic. Not just fun, but romantic. He’ll feel closer to you—and you to him as a result, which is really what this is all about. If you’re not sure how to jump-start things, know that lingerie will usually do the trick. What you should wear and how to spring it on him depends largely on the guy. As my friend Jack put it, “If you’re 30 and under, a romantic gift to a guy really is (sad to admit) a woman in some clichéd, too-small, black-and-red lingerie outfit. We don’t need dinner,” he says. “If you’re over 30, a romantic gift can sometimes be a ski weekend (or any other activity-oriented getaway). Lingerie is still part of the equation, but not the trashy kind at this stage.”
Romance rule #5: Prove you’ve got him pegged
One man’s dream of the perfectly romantic day might be drinking 40’s of Budweiser together and going to Yankee Stadium for a baseball game. Another might prefer a day of hiking followed by a trip to the hot springs. For another it is going out for brunch and lazing around in the café, drinking coffee and reading the paper. What’s your guy’s favorite activity? Once you figure it out, give it to him. The more I heard from my friends, the more I realized how different we were. Not just from women, from each other. I have never gone for fancy lingerie—it’s always seemed too calculated, too cheesy. And I prefer to read novels and biographies over fortunes, no matter how sweet the intentions of the fortune-teller. Fantasy football? No thanks. All a woman has to do is to show she understands me and is deeply fond of the guy she understands. Then, I’m all hers.
Steve Friedman is the author of The Gentleman’s Guide To Life.
Men may not melt over flowers or candlelit dinners, but there are ways to sweep them off their feet. Here’s how:
Many women consider men romance-deficient. However, I can say with confidence that these women are wrong. The problem isn’t that we lack romance. We have plenty of romance. We’re unbelievably romantic. The problem is that we define romance differently than you do. And, just as the most clueless guy can learn to buy tickets to a night of interpretive dance followed by a rousing morning of flea-market shopping, you members of the fairer sex might do well to consider what he wants. Hint: It’s not interpretive dance and flea-market shopping. So, here’s a primer for understanding what gestures men consider romantic. I’ll start with me:
Romance rule #1: Don’t expect anything in return
Michelle and I had been dating a little over a month when Valentine’s Day occurred. She’d invited me over to her place, where she was going to cook dinner. I brought some flowers and chocolates, because I’m a guy. When I entered her apartment, I could smell the steak broiling, the apple pie cooling. Very nice. But what was even nicer was her: A low-cut little cocktail dress. High heels. A string of pearls. An apron. (I’m not presumptuous enough to say it was every man’s fantasy, but being mine was good enough.) We kissed, we hugged, we ate. And all was good and romantic, until, just before dessert, Michelle rose from her chair, walked behind me to nibble an ear, then said, “OK, now help me clean up.” Women, we men folk are all about sharing and caring and doing our part to ensure fair wages and an equitable distribution of housework and whatever else we’re supposed to be all about. But when we think of romance — and we do, we really, really do — we do not think of enforced reciprocity. Just as you want us to buy you things and treat you to dinner and tell you how beautiful you are because we want to, we want you to be affectionate and giving and do the steak and apple-pie cooking because you want to. You don’t want us to say, at the end of a romantic evening, “OK, now help me with the check,” or “I shelled out a lot of cash, sweetie, now it’s your turn to pony up.” Likewise, we don’t want “will you please help clean up” to be part of a deeply romantic gesture. In most guys’ eyes (and hearts and other parts of the anatomy), romance means giving. Not sharing or swapping favors. Giving. We like it when you understand that.
Romance rule #2: Take charge
Men are generally left with some or most of the burden of organizing outings, so the day you turn the tables on him and arrange the whole deal will be close to his heart. My good friend was really struck when his wife threw him a surprise birthday party on the beach, complete with a bar full of tequila and cable TV so he wouldn’t miss any football games and lose track of his fantasy football league. For one friend of mine, having a weekend-long mountain biking trip planned in Big Sur was a highlight—especially because there’s something about the view from a mountaintop, and you with him, that gets a guy feeling very amorous.
Romance rule #3: Add a humorous twist
Men generally don’t go for sappy love notes, but if they’ve got a sense of humor or something else going for them, recognizing that can be very effective. My friend Dan says he still fondly thinks of the girlfriend “who made her own fortune cookie fortunes — not the cookie, just the fortune — and would hide them throughout my apartment, in my wallet, a book I was reading, bedside stand and even luggage. I don’t know how she did it, but she had them printed in red ink, with those little half-cut holes that come on real fortune cookies. She would come up with great quotes and would print the date next to them. Like, ‘Time spent with you multiplies my happiness exponentially.’”
Romance rule #4: Sex should be involved, almost always
Call us simple-minded brutes, but for men, sex and romance are so inextricably linked. Pretty much any effort you make in the bedroom is automatically romantic. Not just fun, but romantic. He’ll feel closer to you—and you to him as a result, which is really what this is all about. If you’re not sure how to jump-start things, know that lingerie will usually do the trick. What you should wear and how to spring it on him depends largely on the guy. As my friend Jack put it, “If you’re 30 and under, a romantic gift to a guy really is (sad to admit) a woman in some clichéd, too-small, black-and-red lingerie outfit. We don’t need dinner,” he says. “If you’re over 30, a romantic gift can sometimes be a ski weekend (or any other activity-oriented getaway). Lingerie is still part of the equation, but not the trashy kind at this stage.”
Romance rule #5: Prove you’ve got him pegged
One man’s dream of the perfectly romantic day might be drinking 40’s of Budweiser together and going to Yankee Stadium for a baseball game. Another might prefer a day of hiking followed by a trip to the hot springs. For another it is going out for brunch and lazing around in the café, drinking coffee and reading the paper. What’s your guy’s favorite activity? Once you figure it out, give it to him. The more I heard from my friends, the more I realized how different we were. Not just from women, from each other. I have never gone for fancy lingerie—it’s always seemed too calculated, too cheesy. And I prefer to read novels and biographies over fortunes, no matter how sweet the intentions of the fortune-teller. Fantasy football? No thanks. All a woman has to do is to show she understands me and is deeply fond of the guy she understands. Then, I’m all hers.
Steve Friedman is the author of The Gentleman’s Guide To Life.
Monday, April 03, 2006
Improve Your Relationships
From the wet noddle : http://www.wetnoodleposse.com/livingwell.html
by Dr. Debra Holland
Dear Dr. Debra,
How do you say "no"? All my life I've bent over backwards for my family, trying to be a good wife and mother and daughter. Now, they just assume that I'll do whatever they want, even when it's hard for me to do so. They show absolutely no regard for my feelings. So I how do I reclaim my life, short of walking out on my family?
Mrs. Yes Dear Mrs. Yes,
Sometimes walking out might be a good strategy, and may be a way to get their attention. After years of giving in, you are going to have to take a firm stand with your family, which won't be easy for you. Being a good wife, mother, and daughter doesn't mean giving in to your family's demands. Sometimes, this self-sacrificing behavior actually makes you a bad mother. It's a sure way to create spoiled kids, who have an unrealistic sense of entitlement.
Some people have personalities that are naturally more supportive and less assertive. These people have a hard time standing up for themselves and putting their needs first. They are often taken advantage of by family members, friends, and co-workers. One of the most difficult things for this personality type is to say "no." They tend to go along with what the other person wants, even if they don't want to. Or, they easily give in when there is opposition. They often have a hard time creating space for their own needs and pursuits because that would mean saying "no" to others. And they tend to make everyone else's needs more important than theirs.
Without realizing it, you've probably been reinforcing the behavior of your family members, especially if you don't speak up for you own needs, say "no" to them, or give a token protest. Let's say your son wants a pair of expensive, designer tennis shoes, which means you won't be able to buy the new outfit you needed for work. You say the shoes are too expensive, but he argues, "My old shoes are too small, and they hurt my feet. Then he switches to, "All my friends have these shoes, and they'll tease me about wearing cheap shoes.'' Not wanting him to suffer with his friends, you give in. You're a bit resentful about not getting your new clothes but rationalize that you can make do with your old ones.
What have you just taught your son? 1. To argue with you. 2. Use a combination of need and guilt to get his way. 3. To spend money frivolously. 4. He's entitled to expensive things, even if others have to do without. In addition to spoiling him and increasing your own difficulty in parenting him, I doubt his future wife is going to thank you for the self-centered attitudes you've installed in him.
Of course, kids are always going to argue. But if you are firm and consistent, they know to stop after a few minutes because it doesn't do any good. (It helps if you start this behavior when they are toddlers.)
In addition to the values you are encouraging in your son, you also are building up resentment every time you don't want to do something but allow yourself to be overruled by others. Feelings of resentment are unhealthy and can have negative consequences. Your resentment can cause angry outbursts, depression, over-eating or abusing alcohol and drugs, passive-aggressive behavior, feelings of dislike for your beloved family members, and feelings of victimization.
Here's another example: Imagine that you have a new puppy. You put him in another room, say the kitchen, where he can't pee on the rug, and close the door. He starts to whine and bark, and you let him out. You've just rewarded his barking and whining. The next time, you tell yourself that you'll stay firm. But after ten minutes of whining and barking, you can no longer resist and let him out. He now knows that ten minutes of whining and barking works. Next time you hold out for twenty minutes before giving in. Now he's a twenty-minute barker. You're created your own problem dog.
You can fix the problem of the puppy, but it won't be easy. The solution is to stand firm and not give in. The puppy is going to increase his barking and whining behavior long past the twenty minutes he's done before. If you give in, you will only make the situation worse. Hold out. Eventually he will stop, and then you can wait a few minutes and let him out. This way, you reward him for being quiet. Continue this for a few days because it will take several days to a week for the lesson to sink in. If you aren't consistent and slip up on any one of the days, you will not only undo all your efforts, you will make the behavior that much more entrenched. Remember, whether adult, child, or animal, the behavior will first increase before it decreases. You have to be strong enough to stand your ground.
Use the following six steps to:
1. Figure out what you want and how you traditionally give in--what are your weaknesses? Do you speak up for your needs or stay silent? Do you give up at the first sign of opposition? Do you give in if someone starts to argue? Do you cave in if you get a guilt trip or the silent treatment? Does someone intimidate you into backing down?
2. Visualize the outcome you want, practicing it over and over in your mind. Mental practice helps set you up for the automatic way you want to respond. You also might have to figure out how you'll reinforce your decision, such as walking out of the room when someone starts to argue. When you feel confident with your reaction, then it's time to put it into practice.
3. Clearly make a statement about what you want. For example: "I need some help around the house. I'm no longer going to do both the cooking and the cleaning up. Husband, I need you to do the dishes after dinner and clean up the kitchen." If he objects, calmly say that if he prefers to cook, you'll clean up. But don't give in.
4. Enforce consequences. You might need to refuse to cook for a while before your husband will take you seriously. Another example of consequences is: if someone doesn't give you the uninterrupted space you requested, you leave for a few hours. However, make sure you are responsible. State where you are going and how long you'll be gone.
5. Be consistent. Remember that giving in, even one time, will only sabotage your efforts, making everything worse.
6. Ignore the grumbling and bad attitudes of your family members. As John Gray (Men Are From Mars) says, men use grumbling as a way to help them switch their brain from what they originally wanted or were focused on to what you want them to do. Women take grumbling seriously because we don't grumble unless something is really wrong. Most of the time, male grumbles aren't serious . Don't give in just because of grumbles and bad attitudes. They will pass.
Saying no will become easier over time.
Dr. Debra
Debra Holland, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and communication techniques. You may visit her website at www.drdebraholland.com. E-mail her your questions at drdebra@drdebraholland.com.
by Dr. Debra Holland
Dear Dr. Debra,
How do you say "no"? All my life I've bent over backwards for my family, trying to be a good wife and mother and daughter. Now, they just assume that I'll do whatever they want, even when it's hard for me to do so. They show absolutely no regard for my feelings. So I how do I reclaim my life, short of walking out on my family?
Mrs. Yes Dear Mrs. Yes,
Sometimes walking out might be a good strategy, and may be a way to get their attention. After years of giving in, you are going to have to take a firm stand with your family, which won't be easy for you. Being a good wife, mother, and daughter doesn't mean giving in to your family's demands. Sometimes, this self-sacrificing behavior actually makes you a bad mother. It's a sure way to create spoiled kids, who have an unrealistic sense of entitlement.
Some people have personalities that are naturally more supportive and less assertive. These people have a hard time standing up for themselves and putting their needs first. They are often taken advantage of by family members, friends, and co-workers. One of the most difficult things for this personality type is to say "no." They tend to go along with what the other person wants, even if they don't want to. Or, they easily give in when there is opposition. They often have a hard time creating space for their own needs and pursuits because that would mean saying "no" to others. And they tend to make everyone else's needs more important than theirs.
Without realizing it, you've probably been reinforcing the behavior of your family members, especially if you don't speak up for you own needs, say "no" to them, or give a token protest. Let's say your son wants a pair of expensive, designer tennis shoes, which means you won't be able to buy the new outfit you needed for work. You say the shoes are too expensive, but he argues, "My old shoes are too small, and they hurt my feet. Then he switches to, "All my friends have these shoes, and they'll tease me about wearing cheap shoes.'' Not wanting him to suffer with his friends, you give in. You're a bit resentful about not getting your new clothes but rationalize that you can make do with your old ones.
What have you just taught your son? 1. To argue with you. 2. Use a combination of need and guilt to get his way. 3. To spend money frivolously. 4. He's entitled to expensive things, even if others have to do without. In addition to spoiling him and increasing your own difficulty in parenting him, I doubt his future wife is going to thank you for the self-centered attitudes you've installed in him.
Of course, kids are always going to argue. But if you are firm and consistent, they know to stop after a few minutes because it doesn't do any good. (It helps if you start this behavior when they are toddlers.)
In addition to the values you are encouraging in your son, you also are building up resentment every time you don't want to do something but allow yourself to be overruled by others. Feelings of resentment are unhealthy and can have negative consequences. Your resentment can cause angry outbursts, depression, over-eating or abusing alcohol and drugs, passive-aggressive behavior, feelings of dislike for your beloved family members, and feelings of victimization.
Here's another example: Imagine that you have a new puppy. You put him in another room, say the kitchen, where he can't pee on the rug, and close the door. He starts to whine and bark, and you let him out. You've just rewarded his barking and whining. The next time, you tell yourself that you'll stay firm. But after ten minutes of whining and barking, you can no longer resist and let him out. He now knows that ten minutes of whining and barking works. Next time you hold out for twenty minutes before giving in. Now he's a twenty-minute barker. You're created your own problem dog.
You can fix the problem of the puppy, but it won't be easy. The solution is to stand firm and not give in. The puppy is going to increase his barking and whining behavior long past the twenty minutes he's done before. If you give in, you will only make the situation worse. Hold out. Eventually he will stop, and then you can wait a few minutes and let him out. This way, you reward him for being quiet. Continue this for a few days because it will take several days to a week for the lesson to sink in. If you aren't consistent and slip up on any one of the days, you will not only undo all your efforts, you will make the behavior that much more entrenched. Remember, whether adult, child, or animal, the behavior will first increase before it decreases. You have to be strong enough to stand your ground.
Use the following six steps to:
1. Figure out what you want and how you traditionally give in--what are your weaknesses? Do you speak up for your needs or stay silent? Do you give up at the first sign of opposition? Do you give in if someone starts to argue? Do you cave in if you get a guilt trip or the silent treatment? Does someone intimidate you into backing down?
2. Visualize the outcome you want, practicing it over and over in your mind. Mental practice helps set you up for the automatic way you want to respond. You also might have to figure out how you'll reinforce your decision, such as walking out of the room when someone starts to argue. When you feel confident with your reaction, then it's time to put it into practice.
3. Clearly make a statement about what you want. For example: "I need some help around the house. I'm no longer going to do both the cooking and the cleaning up. Husband, I need you to do the dishes after dinner and clean up the kitchen." If he objects, calmly say that if he prefers to cook, you'll clean up. But don't give in.
4. Enforce consequences. You might need to refuse to cook for a while before your husband will take you seriously. Another example of consequences is: if someone doesn't give you the uninterrupted space you requested, you leave for a few hours. However, make sure you are responsible. State where you are going and how long you'll be gone.
5. Be consistent. Remember that giving in, even one time, will only sabotage your efforts, making everything worse.
6. Ignore the grumbling and bad attitudes of your family members. As John Gray (Men Are From Mars) says, men use grumbling as a way to help them switch their brain from what they originally wanted or were focused on to what you want them to do. Women take grumbling seriously because we don't grumble unless something is really wrong. Most of the time, male grumbles aren't serious . Don't give in just because of grumbles and bad attitudes. They will pass.
Saying no will become easier over time.
Dr. Debra
Debra Holland, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and communication techniques. You may visit her website at www.drdebraholland.com. E-mail her your questions at drdebra@drdebraholland.com.
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