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Thursday, March 16, 2006
G Spot Positions: Three Sex Positions to Hit the G Spot During Sex
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How to Introduce Sex Toys to Your Partner
Talking about sex
The trick with talking about sex and things that you’d like to do in order to improve your sex life is to not bring it up right after or right before you’re actually doing the ‘deed.’
You want to find a time that’s outside of the bedroom and unrushed. Talk in a secluded corner of a restaurant or in your kitchen. Stay out of the bedroom for the moment. You don’t want to cause any undue pressure and scare him or her away.
Be honest and open about what you’ve been thinking about. Are you thinking about trying some new toys in general or do you want to share some finds with your partner? Talk about the benefits that you’ve discovered, and see what their feelings are as well. They may be perfectly open to trying something new.
But if they aren’t, then you may want to avoid putting any pressure on them. See if you can discuss it further down the road, and let them initiate anything further.
When they’ve said yes
When your partner has agreed to try some things out, don’t jump up and down (wait until they’re gone for that), but start the conversation about things that sound like fun.
Many times, going onto an Internet site together is the best way to look without pressure or embarrassment. Not that there’s any reason for you to be embarrassed, but someone who is new can feel very vulnerable and timid. The anonymity of online can be very helpful. There are also user reviews many times as well as pictures.
There are many websites on the web to get you started on the road to pleasure. Look for the REAL user reviews as well as the great pictures. You’ll be sure to see something that you like, or something you’d like to try out. With the clear menus and thousands upon thousands of options, you’re sure to be caught looking for hours.
Online shopping gives you anonymity and discreetness. And without a salesperson or clerk looking over your shoulder, you can take your time and really pick out what you want. There’s no one trying to force you into buying something because they need a commission.
Starting off
One of the first forays into sex toys is usually a vibrator or dildo for a woman. Many women can not climax with just penetration or they need something to fill up the lonely days. Vibrators are terrific because not only can they stimulate vaginally, but they can also be used on the clitoris as well.
And although it seems like there aren’t as many toys for men, you just have to look a little harder. Why not try out a penis pump or a penis ring? Both of these can create an overwhelming sensation in the sensitive penis tip. Rings in general work by creating a sense of sensory deprivation, so that the man can ‘last longer’ until the opportune moment.
These can be especially difficult to purchase in person, especially if you’re a newbie. Try an online site to scope out the choices before settling on one penis toy or another.
A little more advanced
If you’re tried the vibrators and the penis toys, then you’re ready to venture into other areas. Anal play is something that many couples would like to try, but they’re not quite sure how to begin.
Anal beads can be a great way to give an added sense of stimulation during any other sexual acts. Of course, dildos and vibrators can also be used for this purpose, but these can be overly large and difficult for the beginner. Start off small and use a lot of lubricant to help with the beginning stages.
Tying it all up
And of course, there are always the non-mechanical toys for couples. Bondage play is a popular way to heighten the orgasm experience. By restraining one of the members of the couple, the other can taunt for hours if they want to.
With bondage however, you will want to start simple and work your way to more advanced restraint applications.
You might like to try a blindfold ,arm guards, collar and leash play or some effective looking accessories to make you look AND feel the part!
When it comes to toys, your imagination is your best guide. Talk about your fantasies and see how you might be able to make them come true. And do a little online voyeurism, who knows where that will lead when you’re done shopping?
For more information about lingerie please have a look at this link: Cheap Trashy Lingerie Exotic Lingerie
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Iris_Emery
The trick with talking about sex and things that you’d like to do in order to improve your sex life is to not bring it up right after or right before you’re actually doing the ‘deed.’
You want to find a time that’s outside of the bedroom and unrushed. Talk in a secluded corner of a restaurant or in your kitchen. Stay out of the bedroom for the moment. You don’t want to cause any undue pressure and scare him or her away.
Be honest and open about what you’ve been thinking about. Are you thinking about trying some new toys in general or do you want to share some finds with your partner? Talk about the benefits that you’ve discovered, and see what their feelings are as well. They may be perfectly open to trying something new.
But if they aren’t, then you may want to avoid putting any pressure on them. See if you can discuss it further down the road, and let them initiate anything further.
When they’ve said yes
When your partner has agreed to try some things out, don’t jump up and down (wait until they’re gone for that), but start the conversation about things that sound like fun.
Many times, going onto an Internet site together is the best way to look without pressure or embarrassment. Not that there’s any reason for you to be embarrassed, but someone who is new can feel very vulnerable and timid. The anonymity of online can be very helpful. There are also user reviews many times as well as pictures.
There are many websites on the web to get you started on the road to pleasure. Look for the REAL user reviews as well as the great pictures. You’ll be sure to see something that you like, or something you’d like to try out. With the clear menus and thousands upon thousands of options, you’re sure to be caught looking for hours.
Online shopping gives you anonymity and discreetness. And without a salesperson or clerk looking over your shoulder, you can take your time and really pick out what you want. There’s no one trying to force you into buying something because they need a commission.
Starting off
One of the first forays into sex toys is usually a vibrator or dildo for a woman. Many women can not climax with just penetration or they need something to fill up the lonely days. Vibrators are terrific because not only can they stimulate vaginally, but they can also be used on the clitoris as well.
And although it seems like there aren’t as many toys for men, you just have to look a little harder. Why not try out a penis pump or a penis ring? Both of these can create an overwhelming sensation in the sensitive penis tip. Rings in general work by creating a sense of sensory deprivation, so that the man can ‘last longer’ until the opportune moment.
These can be especially difficult to purchase in person, especially if you’re a newbie. Try an online site to scope out the choices before settling on one penis toy or another.
A little more advanced
If you’re tried the vibrators and the penis toys, then you’re ready to venture into other areas. Anal play is something that many couples would like to try, but they’re not quite sure how to begin.
Anal beads can be a great way to give an added sense of stimulation during any other sexual acts. Of course, dildos and vibrators can also be used for this purpose, but these can be overly large and difficult for the beginner. Start off small and use a lot of lubricant to help with the beginning stages.
Tying it all up
And of course, there are always the non-mechanical toys for couples. Bondage play is a popular way to heighten the orgasm experience. By restraining one of the members of the couple, the other can taunt for hours if they want to.
With bondage however, you will want to start simple and work your way to more advanced restraint applications.
You might like to try a blindfold ,arm guards, collar and leash play or some effective looking accessories to make you look AND feel the part!
When it comes to toys, your imagination is your best guide. Talk about your fantasies and see how you might be able to make them come true. And do a little online voyeurism, who knows where that will lead when you’re done shopping?
For more information about lingerie please have a look at this link: Cheap Trashy Lingerie Exotic Lingerie
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Iris_Emery
Sex Toys - History and Benefits
HISTORY OF SEX TOYS
Sex toys have been used for thousands of years and many believe they had first originated from Asia. However, it was not until the ancient Greece time that sex toys such as dildos and other phallic objects were first made popular. Evidence also suggests that the Romans were the first to mass produce sex toys for a commercial purpose. The sex toys produced during these ancient times were often made out of smooth stones, carved wood, bronze or any solid fillings wrapped around in leather. They were usually long or had an oblong shape like an egg. For lubricants, olive oil was the more common choice.
The term "dildo" was derived during the 14th century Italian Renaissance from the Italian word "diletto" which means pleasure. The use of sex toys continue to gain popularity throughout these times. Dildos made out of rubber first appeared during the mid 18th century during the Victorian times. These rubber dildos were a leap forward as they can be fashioned after the penis and were much more comfortable to use.
Also during this time, the vibrator was invented. It was however not intended for pleasure, but was used by physicians to treat a certain disorder in women known as "hysteria". It was believed that this so-called psychological disorder could be treated by bringing the women to orgasm and the vibrator seemed perfect for the job. The first vibrators were steam powered.
By the early 19th century, more varieties of sex toys were introduced to the market and were featured in blue movies and erotic magazines. They were commonly advertised as "relaxation devices" to relieve stress and anxiety. By the 1940s, they were termed as "marital aids" and in 1960s, they were coming on strong as "massagers". Since the 1980s, with technology growing in leaps and bounds and fueled by imagination and passion, many types of sex toys were created including those for men and other fetishes like bondage.
Today, there are more people aware of their sexuality than in any other era and thanks to these little gizmos and the internet, sex toys can be delivered discreetly and conveniently to your doorstep. The sex toys industry has come a long way with manufacturers constantly improving on their product line.
WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF SEX TOYS?
Millions of people throughout the world today have discovered sex toys to be a fulfilling enhancement to their sex lives. Humans are motivated by both pain and pleasure and sex toys can be a compelling reason to bring you to your peak of your sexual pleasure. Before we begin to illustrate the varieties of sex toys, it would be beneficial to know what motivates you.
Some of the benefits of sex toys :-
They can bring variety and help explore new ways of sexual intimacy. It brings the fulfillment of a satisfying sexual relationship which lubricates an intimate relationship.
Sex toys can increase your sexual fulfillment skills, complementing a sexual relationship.
They can also be used to spice up a relationship. Imagine receiving a sex toy wrapped in a romantic gift box instead of the usual tie-in-a-box.
They can help you orgasm faster and easier if you don't orgasm often or find it difficult to orgasm with your partner. Afterall, vibrators were originally intended for this.
Sex toys can bring back the pleasure even when your partner is out of town.
Steven consults and provides advice to the online store http://www.SexToysNirvana.com which provides various adult toys and novelty products.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Steven_S._Ng
Sex toys have been used for thousands of years and many believe they had first originated from Asia. However, it was not until the ancient Greece time that sex toys such as dildos and other phallic objects were first made popular. Evidence also suggests that the Romans were the first to mass produce sex toys for a commercial purpose. The sex toys produced during these ancient times were often made out of smooth stones, carved wood, bronze or any solid fillings wrapped around in leather. They were usually long or had an oblong shape like an egg. For lubricants, olive oil was the more common choice.
The term "dildo" was derived during the 14th century Italian Renaissance from the Italian word "diletto" which means pleasure. The use of sex toys continue to gain popularity throughout these times. Dildos made out of rubber first appeared during the mid 18th century during the Victorian times. These rubber dildos were a leap forward as they can be fashioned after the penis and were much more comfortable to use.
Also during this time, the vibrator was invented. It was however not intended for pleasure, but was used by physicians to treat a certain disorder in women known as "hysteria". It was believed that this so-called psychological disorder could be treated by bringing the women to orgasm and the vibrator seemed perfect for the job. The first vibrators were steam powered.
By the early 19th century, more varieties of sex toys were introduced to the market and were featured in blue movies and erotic magazines. They were commonly advertised as "relaxation devices" to relieve stress and anxiety. By the 1940s, they were termed as "marital aids" and in 1960s, they were coming on strong as "massagers". Since the 1980s, with technology growing in leaps and bounds and fueled by imagination and passion, many types of sex toys were created including those for men and other fetishes like bondage.
Today, there are more people aware of their sexuality than in any other era and thanks to these little gizmos and the internet, sex toys can be delivered discreetly and conveniently to your doorstep. The sex toys industry has come a long way with manufacturers constantly improving on their product line.
WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF SEX TOYS?
Millions of people throughout the world today have discovered sex toys to be a fulfilling enhancement to their sex lives. Humans are motivated by both pain and pleasure and sex toys can be a compelling reason to bring you to your peak of your sexual pleasure. Before we begin to illustrate the varieties of sex toys, it would be beneficial to know what motivates you.
Some of the benefits of sex toys :-
They can bring variety and help explore new ways of sexual intimacy. It brings the fulfillment of a satisfying sexual relationship which lubricates an intimate relationship.
Sex toys can increase your sexual fulfillment skills, complementing a sexual relationship.
They can also be used to spice up a relationship. Imagine receiving a sex toy wrapped in a romantic gift box instead of the usual tie-in-a-box.
They can help you orgasm faster and easier if you don't orgasm often or find it difficult to orgasm with your partner. Afterall, vibrators were originally intended for this.
Sex toys can bring back the pleasure even when your partner is out of town.
Steven consults and provides advice to the online store http://www.SexToysNirvana.com which provides various adult toys and novelty products.
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Steven_S._Ng
Quote of the day
QUOTE OF THE DAY
All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest - never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partnership.Ann Landers
Monday, March 13, 2006
Fighting With a Spouse May be Harmful to Your Heart
Fighting With a Spouse May be Harmful to Your Heart
Women's heart arteries are more likely to harden when they and their husbands fight, while men's arteries take more of a hit when they or their wives try to dominate fights.
Wednesday, March 8, 2006
By Lee Bowman - Scripps Howard News Service
Women are more likely to experience hardening of heart arteries when they and their husbands show hostility during marital fights, while men's arteries take more of a hit when they or their wives tried to be dominant in an argument, a new study finds.
Psychologists at the University of Utah set up arguments between 150 volunteer married couples, mostly in their 60s, and then did a CT scan of their coronary arteries to look for signs of calcification, a hardening and narrowing of arteries that can put people at risk for a heart attack.
Researchers coded comments made during the six-minute-long videotaped discussions on topics like money, in-laws, children, vacations and household duties, and gave each statement a rating for the level of hostility and dominance displayed by partners.
There were close associations between those behaviors and the extent of arterial damage seen in the women and men, according to the study's leader, psychology professor Tim Smith. "A low-quality relationship is a risk factor for cardiovascular disease," he said.
He presented the findings Friday in Denver during the annual meeting of the American Psychosomatic Society.
"Women who are hostile are more likely to have atherosclerosis, especially if their husbands are hostile, too," Smith said. "But the levels of dominance or control in women or their husbands are not related to women's heart health."
"In men, the hostility - their own or their wives' hostility - wasn't related to their heart's condition. But their dominance, or controlling behavior, or their wives' dominance, was related to hardening of arteries in the husbands."
Couples in the study got $150 for their time, had no history of heart disease and took no heart medicines. At least one partner in each couple was between 60 and 70 years of age, and the other spouse was no more than five years older or younger.
Each couple was asked to pick from a menu of topics something that had been a subject of disagreement in their marriage, and then were put in comfortable chairs facing each other across a table to talk.
Smith said while some of the discussions were calm, in some cases the couples were so hostile to each other than the psychology graduate students running the sessions referred them to marriage counselors.
For example, comments like "You can be so stupid sometimes" and "You're too negative all the time" were coded as "hostile" or "dominant." But having one spouse enthuse to the other "That's a good idea, let's do it" would be coded as a friendly, submissive comment.
The researchers worked on the assumption that a couple's behavior during the lab argument reflected a long-term pattern of behavior. However, Smith noted that what went on in front of strangers likely "is a muted version of what goes on at home."
Since all the subjects were healthy, none of the plaque buildup found by scans in arteries supplying the heart were considered a medical emergency, but Smith said that some people had such high scores they were advised to consult a doctor.
Earlier research into links between health and relationships has demonstrated that "close relationships are good for our heart health. Having relationships places you at lower risk than feeling lonely and isolated," Smiths said.
The new study underscores that "the quality of those relationships is important, and dimensions of quality that are important differ for men and women."
(Contact Lee Bowman at BowmanL@SHNS.com)
Copyright Scripps Howard News Service 2006
Copyright © 2003-2006 Clear Channel. All rights reserved.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Successful Marriages Take Time
Successful Marriages Take Time
Pam and Bill FarrelContributing Writers\
How much time does it take to stay in love for a life time? In our book, Red Hot Monogamy, we explain the minimum time commitment we have seen necessary to maintain the connectedness needed for a healthy strong marriage. Don't just make time for love on Valentine's Day - commit to make T.I.M.E. for love year round:
Ten – twenty minutes to talk together alone everyday. It is amazing how just making time to talk about things more important than who is going to pick up the milk will reconnect and rekindle your hearts. We first learned the skill and importance of dialoguing when we, as newlyweds, went to a United Christian Marriage Encounter. We saw the intense power of connection after we had each written a simple love letter on a topic then read the letter aloud to one another. The process is simple, but the results are profound. Many of the most happily married couples we know, those with a spark in their eyes even after 30, 40, 50 years together have found the magic in the small things: a cup of coffee and conversation in the morning or a walk around the block in the evening.
Invest in a weekly date night (or date breakfast or lunch) together for at least 4 hours. (It takes a couple hours to emotionally reconnect) We believe in the weekly date time so much that we actually schedule two of these a week because sometimes (no, many times) — life interrupts the best laid plans, so having twice as much time as we actually feel we need each week for a date ensures that even on the busiest weeks we get at least the minimum. We also believe in scheduling sexual intimacy, which gives you something to look forward to on the most hectic of weeks! (One happily married pastoral couple chose Wednesday after evening service. Often she will call him at work and whisper to him, "It’s Wednesday!" His whole day seems better after that call!)
A weekly date doesn’t have to cost much either. Here are a few ideas you can pull off for a penny:
• If you hear "your song" on the radio, simply call his/her cell phone and hold your phone up to the speaker and let the song do the romancing.
• Create a photo postcard of the two of you and on the backside, write a thank you for that special memory and an invitation out to another romantic activity.
• Recreate your first date. If you can still fit into it, wear the same clothes. If not, at least go to the same places.
• Check a book out of the library or buy a book of love poems. Sit in front of the fire place in each other’s arms and take turns reading poems to each other. Or write one yourself and read aloud.
• Create a series of thank you notes. Send one a day for as many days as you can think of things to thank your mate for. One line on each card day after day will make a bigger impact.
• Each of you take a blank set of Post it notes (each choose your own color) and write sensual things on each page, then exchange the notes randomly. Place them on the mirror, the rear view mirror in the car; on his golf clubs, in her briefcase, inside his shoe, etc . . .try to find the most outrageous spot to place the love note.
• Use everyday items to send a unique set of messages, for example, use the title of a candy bar with a note that says, "You are a 'Big Hunk'" or a note on a box of cereal reading, "You are my 'Life.'"
• Write your own "feature" article about your spouse who was just named, "World’s greatest Lover." Include all their best traits as a lover, add in a picture of this famous lover and frame it.
• Have dinner someplace different in your home: in front of the fire place, on the rooftop, on the patio or balcony out back, in the attic, under the tree in the back yard, etc.
• Use inexpensive dime store Valentines to create a trail of clues that lead to a romantic destination. You can also make this into a car rally by taping the Valentines around town, around the mall or leave taped to your friend’s front doors.
Make a monthly day away policy. At least once a month spend 8- 12 uninterrupted hours together. This can be anything you both enjoy. (To maximize this, make sure you schedule a few moments of privacy in case you want to fan the flame on your love and have a little red hot monogamy sometime during this 10-12 hour block of time.) Sometimes parents of young children find it difficult to find overnight childcare, but if you will at least commit to leaving when the kids are asleep, and returning when they are already put to bed, you can turn your own home into a B and B and make it seem like you "got away" and were a couple again. By finding a new sport or hobby you both enjoy, you create some common bonds.
Escape quarterly (or at least bi annually) away for a 48 hour weekend. Nothing is as nice as unplugging from life to stir the embers of love.
But if you can’t getaway today, then at least start tonight. Do a mini escape by locking the bedroom door and ask and answer a few questions that will fan the flame on love:
• What lighting sets to mood for you?
• What sounds and aromas set your heart ablaze?
• What words do you love me to whisper in your ear?
• What sights make your heart dance? A view? A sunset? The majestic? Quaint and cozy? Great art? Unique and eclectic?
Enjoy your T.I.M.E.!
This article was adapted from: Red Hot Monogamy (Harvest House Publishers).
Pam and Bill Farrel are international speakers and the authors of over 20 books including best-selling Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti and their newest, Every Marriage is a Fixer Upper. For more information on their books and ministry: 800-810-4449 or http://farrelcommunications.com.
Jealous Of The Women In Your Guy’s Life?
Date: Thursday, March 02, 2006 By: Maggie Kim, Happen Magazine for Match.com
You and your guy have a good thing going. But sometimes it can be hard to feel 100 percent confident of his affections—especially when he’s meeting up with his ex “to catch up,” working late nights with his bubbly female coworker, or flirting back with that Starbucks barista who makes his latte every morning. Yes, jealousy is an ugly emotion, but there are ways to harness it so you don’t go ballistic. And—let’s be honest—there are times when that little green monster is trying to tell you something. Here’s how to decode your emotions and tell whether certain women in his life truly spell trouble.
Woman #1: The ex-girlfriend who’s still hanging around
How to tell if there’s a problem: For starters, know that it’s good to have a boyfriend who’s on good terms with his exes. “It’s a sign of maturity and says that he’ll treat you well if your relationship doesn’t work out,” explains relationship therapist Dr. Jenn Berman (DoctorJenn.com). However, their contact does need to be appropriate. Lunch every few weeks and an occasional phone call is fine. But when push comes to shove, his priority must be you. “If he’s running to meet her instead of you for drinks, there’s a problem,” warns Laurie Puhn, J.D., Happen’s communication expert and author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life.
How to deal: Whatever you do, don’t bash his ex or call her needy—that will only convince him you’re just jealous and put you on the defensive. Instead, say, “Listen, I really like her, but it makes me concerned when you two go out to dinner or drinks together.” Any boyfriend worth his salt will do what he can to make you more comfortable, by either paring back his time with his ex or emphasizing all the ways you’re his one-and-only.
Woman #2: A past lover who rocked his world
How to tell if there’s a problem: Every guy has a woman like this in his past—someone who was so smart, funny, or sexy you feel you just can’t compare. Making matters worse, she’s so long-gone that you can’t even meet her, which only stokes your insecurities. Asking for dirty details to satisfy your curiosity, however, is silly for several reasons: “First, you’ll only learn things that will upset you,” says Puhn. “Secondly, if he’s willing to share intimate details with you, you can be sure that he’ll share details about you with the next girlfriend if you two break up!”
How to deal: You can’t very well change his past, so you’re better off just accepting it, reminding yourself that no matter how amazing she was, there’s a reason these two aren’t still together. “You should know his history in a general sense but you have to logically realize that he has a right to, and should have had, previous relationships, just like you do,” says Puhn. “If you have a need to learn specifics, it says something about your issues, not his.” In other words, you need to let go.
Woman #3: The female coworker
How to tell if there’s a problem: Are those late nights at the office purely professional, or the scene of a budding office romance? The difference, says Dr. Jenn, lies in what they do together. “If he’s going out with his female coworker with a group of people, that’s appropriate,” says Dr. Jenn. “If it’s just the two of them for martinis at a swanky lounge, that’s something else.” Also watch for behavior that escalates. “People are likely to develop feelings for anyone they spend a lot of time with,” says Puhn. “If they go for coffee, then have lunch, which then leads to a regular after-work happy hour, that’s a sign that something could be happening.”
How to deal: It can be easy to misinterpret office rapport as something more, so the fastest way to get a better gauge is to meet the woman in question. Tell him you’d like to meet his new coworker (or coworkers) at happy hour some day. If he resists, arguing it’ll be just “boring work talk,” that could be a red flag. “The question is, are you being deliberately excluded?” says Puhn. “If so, why is he trying to keep his work and personal life so separate?” If you do meet the woman in question, your intuition will probably send you strong signals about what is really going on (or not) between them.
Woman #4: His best female friend
How to tell if there’s a problem: They’ve been there for each other through thick and thin—even so, best buddies should fade into the background once a relationship gets serious, says Dr. Jenn. “At some point, his primary source of support should shift from his best friend to you,” she says. And while this can take some time, it’s within your rights to expect it.
How to deal: When you talk to him about your concerns, focus on how his friendship is specifically harming your relationship—for example, “When I’m over at your house and you’re on the phone with her for half an hour while I’m doing nothing, that upsets me because we don’t have that much time to spend together.” And if he accuses you of being jealous? Admit to it, advises Puhn. “Tell him, ‘Yes, I’m jealous, but I’m being honest because I don’t want it to drive us apart.’” If he still insists there’s no problem, that could spell trouble. “If his friendship is more important to him than his relationship with you, that tells you something about how he ranks things,” warns Puhn. “Maybe he intends to keep his best friendship and marriage separate, but you may well dream of marrying your best friend. That’s a problem!”
Women #5: A hot stranger he meets
How to tell if there’s a problem: So his head turned to follow some hottie strutting down the block, or he blushed when the waitress called him cute? “He’s your boyfriend, he’s not dead!” exclaims Dr. Jenn. “We’re not blind once we’re in a relationship. We can appreciate a good-looking person. It’s about not acting on it.” Puhn agrees. “It’s OK to smile at the cute barista, but that’s about it,” she says. “Your boyfriend should not be making any effort to meet this person because they’re not friends. If he’s going out of his way to cultivate a conversation or see her, it says something about who he is.” And trust us, it’s not good.
How to deal: Since it’s probably no big deal, feel free to tease him with comments like “Oh, she’s got a crush on you,” or “Having fun flirting with the bartender?” But if your guy constantly needs to feel desired by others, it could be time to get serious. First, in case he’s not aware of what he’s doing, say, “You know, Tom’s sister has a crush on you. Maybe it’s better if you don’t chat her up and send the wrong signal—not only about how you feel about her, but about us.” This double-whammy guilt trip should sober up the most inveterate flirt.
Maggie Kim is a writer and rock musician who’s never jealous when she’s single. Her Web site is www.maggiekim.com.
You and your guy have a good thing going. But sometimes it can be hard to feel 100 percent confident of his affections—especially when he’s meeting up with his ex “to catch up,” working late nights with his bubbly female coworker, or flirting back with that Starbucks barista who makes his latte every morning. Yes, jealousy is an ugly emotion, but there are ways to harness it so you don’t go ballistic. And—let’s be honest—there are times when that little green monster is trying to tell you something. Here’s how to decode your emotions and tell whether certain women in his life truly spell trouble.
Woman #1: The ex-girlfriend who’s still hanging around
How to tell if there’s a problem: For starters, know that it’s good to have a boyfriend who’s on good terms with his exes. “It’s a sign of maturity and says that he’ll treat you well if your relationship doesn’t work out,” explains relationship therapist Dr. Jenn Berman (DoctorJenn.com). However, their contact does need to be appropriate. Lunch every few weeks and an occasional phone call is fine. But when push comes to shove, his priority must be you. “If he’s running to meet her instead of you for drinks, there’s a problem,” warns Laurie Puhn, J.D., Happen’s communication expert and author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life.
How to deal: Whatever you do, don’t bash his ex or call her needy—that will only convince him you’re just jealous and put you on the defensive. Instead, say, “Listen, I really like her, but it makes me concerned when you two go out to dinner or drinks together.” Any boyfriend worth his salt will do what he can to make you more comfortable, by either paring back his time with his ex or emphasizing all the ways you’re his one-and-only.
Woman #2: A past lover who rocked his world
How to tell if there’s a problem: Every guy has a woman like this in his past—someone who was so smart, funny, or sexy you feel you just can’t compare. Making matters worse, she’s so long-gone that you can’t even meet her, which only stokes your insecurities. Asking for dirty details to satisfy your curiosity, however, is silly for several reasons: “First, you’ll only learn things that will upset you,” says Puhn. “Secondly, if he’s willing to share intimate details with you, you can be sure that he’ll share details about you with the next girlfriend if you two break up!”
How to deal: You can’t very well change his past, so you’re better off just accepting it, reminding yourself that no matter how amazing she was, there’s a reason these two aren’t still together. “You should know his history in a general sense but you have to logically realize that he has a right to, and should have had, previous relationships, just like you do,” says Puhn. “If you have a need to learn specifics, it says something about your issues, not his.” In other words, you need to let go.
Woman #3: The female coworker
How to tell if there’s a problem: Are those late nights at the office purely professional, or the scene of a budding office romance? The difference, says Dr. Jenn, lies in what they do together. “If he’s going out with his female coworker with a group of people, that’s appropriate,” says Dr. Jenn. “If it’s just the two of them for martinis at a swanky lounge, that’s something else.” Also watch for behavior that escalates. “People are likely to develop feelings for anyone they spend a lot of time with,” says Puhn. “If they go for coffee, then have lunch, which then leads to a regular after-work happy hour, that’s a sign that something could be happening.”
How to deal: It can be easy to misinterpret office rapport as something more, so the fastest way to get a better gauge is to meet the woman in question. Tell him you’d like to meet his new coworker (or coworkers) at happy hour some day. If he resists, arguing it’ll be just “boring work talk,” that could be a red flag. “The question is, are you being deliberately excluded?” says Puhn. “If so, why is he trying to keep his work and personal life so separate?” If you do meet the woman in question, your intuition will probably send you strong signals about what is really going on (or not) between them.
Woman #4: His best female friend
How to tell if there’s a problem: They’ve been there for each other through thick and thin—even so, best buddies should fade into the background once a relationship gets serious, says Dr. Jenn. “At some point, his primary source of support should shift from his best friend to you,” she says. And while this can take some time, it’s within your rights to expect it.
How to deal: When you talk to him about your concerns, focus on how his friendship is specifically harming your relationship—for example, “When I’m over at your house and you’re on the phone with her for half an hour while I’m doing nothing, that upsets me because we don’t have that much time to spend together.” And if he accuses you of being jealous? Admit to it, advises Puhn. “Tell him, ‘Yes, I’m jealous, but I’m being honest because I don’t want it to drive us apart.’” If he still insists there’s no problem, that could spell trouble. “If his friendship is more important to him than his relationship with you, that tells you something about how he ranks things,” warns Puhn. “Maybe he intends to keep his best friendship and marriage separate, but you may well dream of marrying your best friend. That’s a problem!”
Women #5: A hot stranger he meets
How to tell if there’s a problem: So his head turned to follow some hottie strutting down the block, or he blushed when the waitress called him cute? “He’s your boyfriend, he’s not dead!” exclaims Dr. Jenn. “We’re not blind once we’re in a relationship. We can appreciate a good-looking person. It’s about not acting on it.” Puhn agrees. “It’s OK to smile at the cute barista, but that’s about it,” she says. “Your boyfriend should not be making any effort to meet this person because they’re not friends. If he’s going out of his way to cultivate a conversation or see her, it says something about who he is.” And trust us, it’s not good.
How to deal: Since it’s probably no big deal, feel free to tease him with comments like “Oh, she’s got a crush on you,” or “Having fun flirting with the bartender?” But if your guy constantly needs to feel desired by others, it could be time to get serious. First, in case he’s not aware of what he’s doing, say, “You know, Tom’s sister has a crush on you. Maybe it’s better if you don’t chat her up and send the wrong signal—not only about how you feel about her, but about us.” This double-whammy guilt trip should sober up the most inveterate flirt.
Maggie Kim is a writer and rock musician who’s never jealous when she’s single. Her Web site is www.maggiekim.com.
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