Dr. Berman's Position of The Week

Comforting

This position allows for maximum eye contact. Lie on your back, with your partner sitting facing you and your pelvises touching. His legs are extended, flanking each side of your torso, and yours are draped over his thighs, relaxed. He holds your pelvis to control movement and penetration, and he can massage your abdomen, breasts, or clitoris. He can also grab onto your shoulders to draw you closer together.

Visit DrLauraBerman.com and get back issues of the Passion Files newsletter, feature articles by Dr. Berman, news about her latest book, and links to all her Intimate Accessories.

The Sound of Pleasure - Aurally

The Sound of Pleasure
Aural Sex

Definition from Dictionary.com
au?ral2 /'?r ?l/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation[awr-uh l] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation: –adjective : of or pertaining to the ear or to the sense of hearing.

Yes, it's been a long time since we've spoken, but I've been here, I swear I swear I swear.

First things first: I'd like to let everyone know, I'm still single and scarily becoming set in my ways which will probably ruin me for the next man. LOL.

"Everything you've ever wanted to know but were too afraid to ask!" is the second thing. This is an event I'll be attending on December 20th, from 5:00pm-7: 45pm in Detroit. Visit http://www.eventbrite.com/event/41146069 to save your seat! We speak on various of subjects about sex, relationship, sex, intimacy, sex, and well, just sex and our concerns over different aspects of it. It was fun the first time (in November) and if you're in the Detroit Area, we do invite you to come out again!!! (I insist!) I'll be having copies of my book, Mistaken Identity on hand to sell.

This past week has been full and pleasurable. I mean really mentally pleasurable because I've been busily writing my stories and I always get pleasure out of that.

I'm working on my book, Dark Façade. It's about contemporary slavery of black women. I won't even go into detail, but I brought this up because this book's love scene is different. The man talks to her during sex. Envisioning these love scenes added a little more erotica to the storyline than I thought and after re-reading this unfinished book for like the third time, I really was definitely turned on my own creativity. (Yeah, I'm patting myself on the back just a little bit.)

Another thing that happened this last week to fuel this post is that I won this fabulous contest by author, Sheila Goss to speak with Brian McNight and he said my name – HE SAID MY NAME. I really don't think you understand the serious nature of this. Brian McNight had me at "One Last Cry." I was in love with that man from the first note of that song and I've been a fan since. I mean damn! A man willing to tell you he was crying was a turn on. Singing it was an even bigger turn on and I've loved his voice like men liking J-Lo's butt. He made my eardrums tingle. He's inspired a lot of love scenes that people have come up to me and just said "damn! Where did you get that from?" Brian McNight. I play him repeatedly (although I do switch to the old Babyface every once in a while to get to the deeper emotions.)

In any case, Brian has been my love sweet love in my dreams for years and years and I said if I ever could wish for anything – ANYTHING – in this world, it would be to just have Brian McNight to say my name. He did! He said, "Hello Sylvia." I was dumbfounded! I was speechless (but only for a second or two cause y'all know I love to talk). My panties were wet and I was a fool in love all over again. All I could think about was when I first fell in love with him and my head just kept singing his song, "One Last Cry." As I spoke to him, whenever he spoke, my brain was singing that song. When he answered a question or said something all I could think about was that song, because that's all I remember from when we first met.

O/T tangent: First meetings are a trip and it's so impactful upon the rest of the relationship isn't. (advice for men) : For women You can remember what they looked like, what they said, what they smelled like, what they got you with. It's the most amazing thing that could ever happen and you wish you could meet someone just like that person everyday over and over again. We are always searching for the first time feeling always, aren't we? (We'll get back to this another day).

In any case, Dark Façade and Brian McNight, along with the beau has fueled my newest blog, Aural Sex.

I did a Yahoo search on the subject. I found a movie, a book by Ann Regentin (which I know and was tickled pink to say, hey I know her!), and then I found someone had asked the question, Can Aural Sex affect Your Hearing? On Yahoo's question board about a year ago.

I was tickled to death at the answers, which were:
q Is there such a thing? I don't think there is!!!
q WTF! You put it in your mouth, not your ears!
q I guess it could be possible. You don't know what auras can do.
q I prefer it in the nose???
q Yikes this SOUNDS painful
q It affected my hearing and hers, we didn't notice the CD skipping

And my personal favorite that almost made me pee on myself:

q You must be really tiny for it to fit in there... but yea... sticking anything in your ear can damage your hearing (hence the reason for the q-tip warnings)...


So you ask, "What is Aural Sex?"

Vocally making love would be my definition. Now this can take place in several different places and both parties don't have to be present (face to face) in order to achieve the "desired affect." The most widely used form of aural sex would be over the phone. Men just like you are turned on at the knowledge of knowing your woman wants you when you're not around, women are just as turned on at hear that you had such a good time wherever you were last night. One man I use to date would call me after such occurrence and I'd get tickled embarrassed hearing him talk about what he did to me last night and what he wanted to try next time. Needless to say, I was a willing participant to WHATEVER he had in mind the next time because damn if it didn't sound good.

The next form of aural sex would be face to face, which can consist of two things: whispered intentions or the sound and/or speech emitted while making physical love. Let's focus on the whispered intentions first.

A whispered intention would be something a person says to you sexually when you are not involved in a physical sexual sex. Sometimes it doesn't have to be whispered, but it's a verbal form of what you want to do, what you have done and what you'd like to try to do. In one scene of my stories, a woman and man are speaking about another subject. All while they are speaking she's trying to find the guts to tell him she's attracted to him and out of the blue, she says, "I want to make love to you all night long in every position known and unknown to mankind." He's a bit taken aback by her abruptness, but then a slow wicked smile graced his lips and he said, "I'll do my best to make you happy."

Needless to say I went on to describe a very long love scene that took three exhaustive horny days to write, but damn was it fun. Just from that verbal comment. Now you say, "Well, Sylvia that's just your vivid imagination." Actually, that had happened to me but it was the other way around. I was at a booksigning just talking to a beau (at that time) about everything – my book, how the booksigning was going, and just my own random thoughts of writing. Suddenly he said the above statement. I responded just like that and it took about three days to make him happy, LOL. That was fun! Good times… good times….

Whispered intentions are really fun when you do what you intend to do. If you tell your woman you're going to give her a full body massage (and if you don't know how to do that, please see the last blog, It started with a touch), do it! The only rule of whispered intentions is that if you say it, you have to do it. Otherwise the next time you say something, it will only annoy the crap out of the person because you don't know how to do what you say. My mother always say, never write a check with your mouth that your butt can't cash! Because it will surely get bounced! And I'm a woman who will say, that's it? Make your checks worth the paper it's written on. Always remember action speaks louder than words and if you speak it, do it. Also, to make more powerful effects on whispered intentions, give details. That's what really drives a woman crazy. Details. Illicit, erotic details that will have her squirming. I don't mind changing my panties in the middle of the day cause I was aurally loved by a whispered intention that couldn't wait until I got home. (He's helped me changed them sometimes in a back closet, guest room, or bathroom.) Women, you should do the same thing. If you intend to F*&^! The crap out of me, then I wanna know just how you plan to get the crap out, LOL and should I be calling the Guinness Book of Records cause we're making history.

One warning about this whole thing. When you receive a whispered intention, never and I mean never tell a person not to say stuff like that. Now say that the whispered intention was a crude remark. There's a good way to handle it. Just say it even more descriptive than what they said it.

For instance:
He says: I want you to suck my d*#k!
I say: You want me to put your flesh between my lips? Use my tongue to wrap to around the tip and..? (speak it real slowly and emphasize the s's, d's, p's).

He usually smiles, blushes and then gives me great detail about how good it feels when I do that to him and the creatively comes back to describe what wants to do to my body.

I myself become very turned on my big words. My best friend from high school, who's a guy, uses big words. I think I keep him around because I've never heard a black man speak words over four syllables so much and just speaking to him over the phone is a joy.

Yes, I do sound sick, but big words turn me on and if I can't admit that to myself (and you) then who else could I tell admit that to?

Now to the best, which I've saved for last. The sound or speech voiced, grunted, or growled during sex. The sounds of sex are usually what we envision in an x-rated movie. "Oh Oh Oh Yes Yes Yes Umm Umm Umm." And so on. The sounds of my son having an asthma attack sound more passionate than that. (yeah, that was cruel.) Why (men and woman) are we so afraid to make noises during sex. I'm not talking about that whose your daddy? Crap. I think that's a bunch of malarkey. During sex, you shouldn't be asking me any questions that will make me a liar later, because I might be inclined to be honest and make you lose your hard-on. LOL. I'm a screamer. The better it feels the louder I am or the more vocal I make myself.

Just think about it. If you've just taken a bite out the most scrumptious cake in the whole wide world, wouldn't you let everyone around know that's the best cake you've ever had.

Now imagine that even if he's done it a million times and every time he hits the right spot. Why wait until it's over to tell him he did it? I say, speak now or forever hold your peace. I like to let people know when they did well at the time their doing it. I might forget later, LOL.

Never cover my mouth. If you don't like what I'm saying, kiss me more.

Now my rant:

Speaking during sex is not unusual. Having conversations of an enjoyable nature, laughing together and telling each other further increases the intensity and pleasure. If you don't know it, women are more stimulated mentally than physically. We are able to achieve pleasure and orgasms with our mind and as you stimulate us physically with your movements, you must remember to really "get her" or connect with her on a mental level. Don't know what to say: Speak your pleasure, describe what you're feeling, when she does something you like let her know, open conversation to her and tell her what you enjoy about her body… showstopper: describe to her what you are about to do and then do it.

Why (men) are you quiet? On purpose? You can't tell me it doesn't feel good? Why you gotta groan, gurgle and make that face?

And I'm not talking about when it's in the beginning. I know why you make those faces because yes it is good and yes you feel good, but I'm talking bout in the end when I whisper in your ear, "Give it to me, Big Daddy." That's your cue to release, let it out, let go, shout to the heavens and wake up hell!

I'll join you!

Currently reading : How I Retired at 26! A Step-by-Step Guide to Accessing Your Freedom and Wealth at Any Age By Asha Tyson

bedroom dilemmas

This month, Dr. Debra answers a letter from an older gentleman with an ageless question: "What do you do when you find out your sexual expectations are different and you're already married?" The answer? Communication is the solution to bedroom dilemmas, so talk. Touch. Talk some more.

Ways to Get Closer (in 10 Minutes or Less)

By Amelia R. Farquhar



So who is that hunky guy brushing his teeth in your bathroom? Snap out of it, lucky woman! He's your husband, and if you're as busy as we've been lately, chances are that work, kids and both your jam-packed schedules are putting the squeeze on the oh-so-sweet private time you two share. But shelling out big bucks for a kid-free week away in an exotic locale isn't the only way to make memorable moments with your man. The real secret of superbusy couples who stay amazingly close: They dole out little get-connected gestures over and over and over again -- often when such tokens are least expected. And so can you; just add a few of these quickie bonding rituals to your daily routine.

Clown Around

Those who laugh together last together! So why not take a short break from your regular weeknight routine and tickle each other's funny bones? Log on to a joke Website, such as www.randomjoke.com, or play a kiddie game, like Twister.
Dream On

Before you spring out of bed, spend a few minutes recalling and sharing your dreams from the night before. "Since remembering your dreams can sometimes be a challenge, get in the habit of asking each other one or two questions within minutes of the time you first wake up," recommends Charles Lambert McPhee, author of Ask the Dream Doctor. "Try 'What was your most memorable feeling?' 'Where did the dream take place?' or 'What situation in life does the dream remind you of?'" Revealing the ideas and images that are running through your subconscious can put you on the fast track to understanding what's behind the excitement, fear and other emotions you may be experiencing in your day-to-day life. And it may give you both a case of the giggles. Have a sense of humor and remember: The more bizarre stuff you share with one another, the better.

Get Unplugged

Next time the two of you are getting ready to relax, resist the urge to crash on the couch in front of the TV; you'll be happier if you don't. Couples who watch an above-normal amount of television (the average American household has the box on 7.7 hours a day) are 26 percent less satisfied with their relationships than couples who watch less than the average amount, according to a study published in the journal Sex Role. So skip the sitcoms and pop in a soulful CD instead. Try Robert Miles's Dreamland, Barry White's Staying Power or Inspiration by Maze, featuring Frankie Beverly -- or just snuggle together in serene silence.



Do the Write Thing

Get two pens and two sheets of paper and sit down at a table together; then each of you jot down a pleasure list. Record between five and 10 things your man does that make you feel incredible -- things he says, looks he gives you, ways he touches your skin and gestures he makes -- and ask him to do the same for you. Then trade lists and read them out loud to make sure they're fully understood, say Leslie and Jimmy Caplan, married authors of Ready for Romance. The reward? Remarkable insight into the little things you can do more of to make each other feel even happier.

Ready, Set, Smooch!

Before you part ways in the morning, meet in the kitchen for a timed kiss. Set an egg timer for four minutes and agree to lock lips until the bell rings. Think four minutes is too long? You may change your mind -- and reset the timer for 10! -- after this little exercise turns your standard morning peck into some heavenly petting.

Have a Feather Fight

Grab two of your fluffiest feather pillows and start a battle royal. Close the door to your room and have him stand on one side of the bed while you stand on the other. After you yell "Go!" try to whack him good while he does the same to you, until one of you surrenders by saying "I love you!" (P.S. Tickling is totally allowed.)

Rewind for Romance

Turn an everyday drive into a trip down memory lane by secretly slipping a recording of your wedding song into the car stereo. When he turns on the radio, there will be a pleasant surprise you two can swoon to.

Compliment Him Like Crazy

Next time your guy's perusing Esquire or watching a preview of the latest Ben Affleck flick, lean over and whisper in his ear that not only is he sexier than those high-profile hunks, but he also makes a much better husband! Couples who talked about positive aspects of their relationships reduced stress by 15 percent, while those who talked about the negatives increased their stress 48 percent, in a study conducted by the Journal of Family Psychology.

Sip to a Sunset

Take the edge off a harried day by relaxing together with a refreshing cocktail, such as a pineapple-orange daiquiri. Pour half a cup of orange juice, half a cup of pineapple juice and two ounces of light rum into a shaker filled with ice, strain into two chilled glasses and garnish with wedges of orange. Enjoy your drinks outside in the fresh air while you watch the sun go down.

Cream, Please

Every morning, spend a few minutes together rubbing a facial cream that contains SPF into each other's cheeks. Now you've turned a healthy habit into a sensual, soothing treat.

Have a Quickie Picnic

Surprise him with an impromptu at-work lunch picnic. Stop by his office (even if it's out of the way) with your favorite deli sandwiches and a couple of milk shakes. He'll love it that you cared enough to swing by for a fast, fun meal and a few for-no-reason smooches.


Pop a Quiz on Him

Send one to your sweetie via email once a week. Why? "Most couples, even those who are already very close, are more likely to express a deeper side of themselves in a written note rather than orally," says Michael Webb, founder of www.theromantic.com. Webb recommends shooting off one of these getting-to-know-you-even-better cues: "What first attracted you to me?" "Do you ever crave a quickie? When?" or "What are the three most sensitive places on your body?" It won't be long before his curiosity gets the better of him and he starts nudging you for your answers!

Vroom! Start Your Date Engines

Tonight may not be date night, but try this quick trick, suggested by romance experts Leslie and Jimmy Caplan, to get excited about future weekend outings. First, each of you writes down two creative things to do; then the four ideas are sealed in separate envelopes. Now one of you chooses an envelope -- and your destiny for the weekend to come.

Give Him a Sneak Peek

Hide his favorite pair of your panties in a private nook he uses every day (his coat pocket, glove compartment, briefcase or desk drawer). Attach a sexy note that simply says, "Call me" to get his heart racing even more.

Say It with Shampoo

Share a shower on a weekday morning when you've both got a crazy-busy day ahead and shampoo each other's hair with slow, scalp-massaging strokes. What's better than waking up to pampering playtime?

Sniff Out a Passionate Scent

Step up to an essential-oil counter at a pharmacy or health-food store, where you can create a scent that turns you both on. "Try sandalwood to get reconnected to your personal power and sense of attractiveness," says Mara Goodman-Davies, author of A Year of Romance. Looking for something a little, er, less subtle? "Rose oil works as a shameless aphrodisiac and will certainly get you two in the mood," she says. Bonus: Simply leaning in to smell your sweetie's neck will be an erotic experience and a reminder of the times you've spent mixing and matching your own get-frisky fragrances.

Pause for Pillow Talk

Before you lull yourselves to la-la land, share a pillow. Spending a few minutes face-to-face will inspire you to whisper in each other's ears, stare into each other's eyes and hug supertight. While you're at it, a round of footsie will create a true head-to-toe connection.

Plan the Perfect Getaway

Browse in your local bookstore's travel aisle, and each of you choose the top 10 places you'd like to visit. Later, sit down and go over your fantasy destinations together. Discover you've got one in common? You just took the first step toward making a shared dream come true.

Satisfy Your Sweet Tooth

Stop by your local bakery on the way home and pick up two of your favorite desserts, then set aside time after dinner to brew some decaf and feed them to each other.

Find a Favorite Snapshot

Whip through your wedding album together and point out your favorite shots. (Don't forget to tell him he looks even more fabulous today!) A great get-closer twist: Try to remember what you were each thinking before you saw the other for the first time that day, and then share, share, share.

Make Your Marriage Affair-Proof

author anonymous

What is it that drives a marital partner to engage in an outside liaison? How can you guarantee your marriage vows will be held sacred? Life is full of unpredictable twists and turns. Help keep your marital path on the straight and narrow by taking these preventive steps to guard your fidelity.

Talk openly about everything and anything. Don't belittle the importance of small talk. You gain nothing by keeping your thoughts and feelings to yourself. The more you talk the more you open a window to the real you. Friendship is the trait that will allow your relationship to remain strong.

Cultivate your friendship. Go places with each other. Talk about your interests or current events in your lives. Do things together. Do not allow yourself to take your partner's friendship or feelings for granted.

Be supportive. Marriage is a lifetime commitment. A person's lifetime is an expansive period of time. Things change, people's interests change. Your partner will at some point want to try something new; such as a career, spiritual or life habit change. These are critical moments in your relationship. Even if you don't agree with your partner's choices, approach your partner with sensitivity and understanding. Open minds and open hearts will always find solutions.

Keep your passion alive and well. No one wants to feel undesired. Take a moment now and then to ask yourself, "How can I make my partner feel more desired?" Leave little notes around the house. Let your children see you kiss and cuddle. Indulge in an impromptu escapade. Passion in a relationship lets us know that we are more than just a convenience to have around. A faithful partner is one that knows they are cherished and desired by their partner.

Don't be predictable. The spark of interest can fade when you feel you know your partner to the point of predictability. Always allow for a little mystery. Even better, constantly create a mystery. Create love hunts with clues they need to figure out. Leave surprise gifts or e-mails for your partner. Occasionally do something that is a bit out of the norm. Go see a movie you wouldn't usually watch with your partner, visit a new restaurant or take a spontaneous day trip.

HOMEWORK: For ultimate success, read this article with your partner. Discuss each point and share with each other what you agree and disagree upon. After your discussion, make a list of guidelines you promise you will follow to create an affair-proof marriage (such as the ones above). Then, decide on a method of handling problems if either of you feel things have gone off-course. For example: Step 1: We will both talk openly about the problem, allowing each person ample time to explain their concerns. Step 2: We will both offer a solution, and select a course of action. Step 3: If no solution can be presented we will seek the help of an unbiased third-party. Step 4: If a solution can still not be presented we will seek qualified outside help. (Note: You should predetermine whom or what this will be before an incident ever occurs.)

5 Flirting Tips for Dating Success

Flirting is not rocket science. It is simply a common sense method of letting people know you're available without being tacky or obnoxious. AND if done properly, it is your best chance at snagging your future partner! So, get ready to demystify the art of flirting with these five fabulous flirting tips. Practice your new moves on the object of your desire this weekend…

#1: Be Sincere If you're going to flirt, you need to be real about it. Anyone can spot a fake a mile away. If you're feeling insecure about your flirting skills, don't start with your secret crush since the 10th grade. Begin in a situation you are most comfortable with. If you're going to pay compliments to someone, be sincere about them. Really mean what you are saying and your results will be well worth the effort.

#2: Smile A smile is the simplest form of flattery. It shows that you are genuinely interested in the other person, and for that one single moment they are the only thing on your mind. Never underestimate the power of a smile.

#3: Touch Touch is an obvious sign of interest. Used correctly it can be a subtle way of getting a person's undivided attention. Rest a hand on their arm or on their knee when you are talking. Engage in activities that promote touch, such as dancing. Just be careful not to appear too flirtatious. The last thing you want to do is send the wrong signals.

#4: Hold Eye ContactHow do you make the object of your affection weak in the knees? Hold that meaningful gaze for just a few seconds longer than normal. Show them you're not one to turn away from something great!

#5: Be Interested In Them Want to know if they are worthy of your undivided attention? Find out more by asking them open-ended questions about themselves. Show off your flirting skills by showing them you are actually listening to what they are saying.

author anonymous

Note: And for those who already have the guy/girl, these are tips that you can use to keep it going. Remember, the same things you did to get them are the same things you'll have to do to to keep them.

ten possible communication blocks

"We all want, above all, to be heard - but not merely to be heard. We want to be understood - heard for what we think we are saying, for what we know we meant."

Communication is the principal building block of any relationship, but communication isn't just about expressing a thought. It's also about understanding what your partner is saying and conveying, back to them, that you understand.


Communication is often cited as the number one problem area in a relationship. If two people understand this, and are working towards having great communication, then how can they still run into problems? The reason is there may be many unknown factors contributing to the demise of a couple's communication. In this article we'll take a look at ten possible communication blocks that may be happening in your relationship.

Language
If you or your partner speaks a different first language, there can be a lot of semantic misunderstandings that may or may not be obvious. If you feel you're not being understood, really take the time to explain what you are trying to communicate.

Culture
With the Internet helping bridge gaps across territorial boundaries that once existed, this block is more important than ever. Just because you grew up with a certain philosophy about something, does not guarantee your partner did the same. Don't assume you know what your partner is thinking of or feeling about a certain issue. If you find yourselves on different sides of a disagreement, take the time to find out why they view it so differently. It could very well be they were brought up to believe things differently. Respect their choices and try and find some common ground you can both work from.

Truth, Or The Lack Of
One of the main culprits of blocking communication is the lack of truth and honesty. This is true even if you tell yourself that it isn't dishonest if you withhold a truth. For proper communication to be established, both parties involved need to be aware of everything relevant. Otherwise, one partner is always going to be hindered.

False Pretenses
This block is pretty self-explanatory. If someone tells you they are something they are not, chances are you're going to find out about it sooner or later, and not be too happy about it.

Expectations
What are your expectations of each other? How many times have you had disagreements about what you each expect from the other? If you don't clearly lay down what you both expect from each other in the roles you play (father, mother, lover, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) you will run into this disagreement fairly often.

Misunderstandings
The bulk of disagreements come down to one single thing, misunderstandings. One person interpreted something differently; the other assumed they understood what they were saying. If you are in a disagreement find out as soon as possible what the misunderstanding is. You'll save yourself some very unhappy moments!

History (Past Experiences)
Most people apply the philosophy of let the past be my guide. Well this is great unless your past is riddled with mistrust, abuse or any other negative experiences. Remember your partner is someone new; don't compare him or her to a past experience.

On A Pedestal
If you find yourself thinking you are better (overall) than your partner, you're setting your relationship up for failure. How is it possible to accept any communication from someone you don't have respect for?

Aloofness
How do you kill a conversation in two seconds or less? Talk to someone too aloof to reciprocate any comments. Aloofness can indicate the person has shut down on some level. If you notice your partner doing this, try asking them more self-opinionated questions such as: how do you want to handle this, or what do you really think about this? Obviously this won't work if you ask them with an obvious attitude attached.

Third Party
How can you effectively communicate with someone if you have to, in effect, talk to two or possibly more people? This is the case of someone who's been third partied. Not only do you have to allay your partner's fears or concerns, but that of someone else's--usually without even talking to them. The most successful of relationships happen when the couple makes a strong commitment to never let anyone else contribute negativity to the relationship.

source anonymous

What men consider romantic

By Steve Friedman

Men may not melt over flowers or candlelit dinners, but there are ways to sweep them off their feet. Here’s how:

Many women consider men romance-deficient. However, I can say with confidence that these women are wrong. The problem isn’t that we lack romance. We have plenty of romance. We’re unbelievably romantic. The problem is that we define romance differently than you do. And, just as the most clueless guy can learn to buy tickets to a night of interpretive dance followed by a rousing morning of flea-market shopping, you members of the fairer sex might do well to consider what he wants. Hint: It’s not interpretive dance and flea-market shopping. So, here’s a primer for understanding what gestures men consider romantic. I’ll start with me:

Romance rule #1: Don’t expect anything in return

Michelle and I had been dating a little over a month when Valentine’s Day occurred. She’d invited me over to her place, where she was going to cook dinner. I brought some flowers and chocolates, because I’m a guy. When I entered her apartment, I could smell the steak broiling, the apple pie cooling. Very nice. But what was even nicer was her: A low-cut little cocktail dress. High heels. A string of pearls. An apron. (I’m not presumptuous enough to say it was every man’s fantasy, but being mine was good enough.) We kissed, we hugged, we ate. And all was good and romantic, until, just before dessert, Michelle rose from her chair, walked behind me to nibble an ear, then said, “OK, now help me clean up.” Women, we men folk are all about sharing and caring and doing our part to ensure fair wages and an equitable distribution of housework and whatever else we’re supposed to be all about. But when we think of romance — and we do, we really, really do — we do not think of enforced reciprocity. Just as you want us to buy you things and treat you to dinner and tell you how beautiful you are because we want to, we want you to be affectionate and giving and do the steak and apple-pie cooking because you want to. You don’t want us to say, at the end of a romantic evening, “OK, now help me with the check,” or “I shelled out a lot of cash, sweetie, now it’s your turn to pony up.” Likewise, we don’t want “will you please help clean up” to be part of a deeply romantic gesture. In most guys’ eyes (and hearts and other parts of the anatomy), romance means giving. Not sharing or swapping favors. Giving. We like it when you understand that.

Romance rule #2: Take charge

Men are generally left with some or most of the burden of organizing outings, so the day you turn the tables on him and arrange the whole deal will be close to his heart. My good friend was really struck when his wife threw him a surprise birthday party on the beach, complete with a bar full of tequila and cable TV so he wouldn’t miss any football games and lose track of his fantasy football league. For one friend of mine, having a weekend-long mountain biking trip planned in Big Sur was a highlight—especially because there’s something about the view from a mountaintop, and you with him, that gets a guy feeling very amorous.

Romance rule #3: Add a humorous twist

Men generally don’t go for sappy love notes, but if they’ve got a sense of humor or something else going for them, recognizing that can be very effective. My friend Dan says he still fondly thinks of the girlfriend “who made her own fortune cookie fortunes — not the cookie, just the fortune — and would hide them throughout my apartment, in my wallet, a book I was reading, bedside stand and even luggage. I don’t know how she did it, but she had them printed in red ink, with those little half-cut holes that come on real fortune cookies. She would come up with great quotes and would print the date next to them. Like, ‘Time spent with you multiplies my happiness exponentially.’”

Romance rule #4: Sex should be involved, almost always

Call us simple-minded brutes, but for men, sex and romance are so inextricably linked. Pretty much any effort you make in the bedroom is automatically romantic. Not just fun, but romantic. He’ll feel closer to you—and you to him as a result, which is really what this is all about. If you’re not sure how to jump-start things, know that lingerie will usually do the trick. What you should wear and how to spring it on him depends largely on the guy. As my friend Jack put it, “If you’re 30 and under, a romantic gift to a guy really is (sad to admit) a woman in some clichéd, too-small, black-and-red lingerie outfit. We don’t need dinner,” he says. “If you’re over 30, a romantic gift can sometimes be a ski weekend (or any other activity-oriented getaway). Lingerie is still part of the equation, but not the trashy kind at this stage.”

Romance rule #5: Prove you’ve got him pegged

One man’s dream of the perfectly romantic day might be drinking 40’s of Budweiser together and going to Yankee Stadium for a baseball game. Another might prefer a day of hiking followed by a trip to the hot springs. For another it is going out for brunch and lazing around in the café, drinking coffee and reading the paper. What’s your guy’s favorite activity? Once you figure it out, give it to him. The more I heard from my friends, the more I realized how different we were. Not just from women, from each other. I have never gone for fancy lingerie—it’s always seemed too calculated, too cheesy. And I prefer to read novels and biographies over fortunes, no matter how sweet the intentions of the fortune-teller. Fantasy football? No thanks. All a woman has to do is to show she understands me and is deeply fond of the guy she understands. Then, I’m all hers.

Steve Friedman is the author of The Gentleman’s Guide To Life.

Improve Your Relationships

From the wet noddle : http://www.wetnoodleposse.com/livingwell.html


by Dr. Debra Holland

Dear Dr. Debra,

How do you say "no"? All my life I've bent over backwards for my family, trying to be a good wife and mother and daughter. Now, they just assume that I'll do whatever they want, even when it's hard for me to do so. They show absolutely no regard for my feelings. So I how do I reclaim my life, short of walking out on my family?

Mrs. Yes Dear Mrs. Yes,

Sometimes walking out might be a good strategy, and may be a way to get their attention. After years of giving in, you are going to have to take a firm stand with your family, which won't be easy for you. Being a good wife, mother, and daughter doesn't mean giving in to your family's demands. Sometimes, this self-sacrificing behavior actually makes you a bad mother. It's a sure way to create spoiled kids, who have an unrealistic sense of entitlement.

Some people have personalities that are naturally more supportive and less assertive. These people have a hard time standing up for themselves and putting their needs first. They are often taken advantage of by family members, friends, and co-workers. One of the most difficult things for this personality type is to say "no." They tend to go along with what the other person wants, even if they don't want to. Or, they easily give in when there is opposition. They often have a hard time creating space for their own needs and pursuits because that would mean saying "no" to others. And they tend to make everyone else's needs more important than theirs.

Without realizing it, you've probably been reinforcing the behavior of your family members, especially if you don't speak up for you own needs, say "no" to them, or give a token protest. Let's say your son wants a pair of expensive, designer tennis shoes, which means you won't be able to buy the new outfit you needed for work. You say the shoes are too expensive, but he argues, "My old shoes are too small, and they hurt my feet. Then he switches to, "All my friends have these shoes, and they'll tease me about wearing cheap shoes.'' Not wanting him to suffer with his friends, you give in. You're a bit resentful about not getting your new clothes but rationalize that you can make do with your old ones.

What have you just taught your son? 1. To argue with you. 2. Use a combination of need and guilt to get his way. 3. To spend money frivolously. 4. He's entitled to expensive things, even if others have to do without. In addition to spoiling him and increasing your own difficulty in parenting him, I doubt his future wife is going to thank you for the self-centered attitudes you've installed in him.

Of course, kids are always going to argue. But if you are firm and consistent, they know to stop after a few minutes because it doesn't do any good. (It helps if you start this behavior when they are toddlers.)

In addition to the values you are encouraging in your son, you also are building up resentment every time you don't want to do something but allow yourself to be overruled by others. Feelings of resentment are unhealthy and can have negative consequences. Your resentment can cause angry outbursts, depression, over-eating or abusing alcohol and drugs, passive-aggressive behavior, feelings of dislike for your beloved family members, and feelings of victimization.

Here's another example: Imagine that you have a new puppy. You put him in another room, say the kitchen, where he can't pee on the rug, and close the door. He starts to whine and bark, and you let him out. You've just rewarded his barking and whining. The next time, you tell yourself that you'll stay firm. But after ten minutes of whining and barking, you can no longer resist and let him out. He now knows that ten minutes of whining and barking works. Next time you hold out for twenty minutes before giving in. Now he's a twenty-minute barker. You're created your own problem dog.

You can fix the problem of the puppy, but it won't be easy. The solution is to stand firm and not give in. The puppy is going to increase his barking and whining behavior long past the twenty minutes he's done before. If you give in, you will only make the situation worse. Hold out. Eventually he will stop, and then you can wait a few minutes and let him out. This way, you reward him for being quiet. Continue this for a few days because it will take several days to a week for the lesson to sink in. If you aren't consistent and slip up on any one of the days, you will not only undo all your efforts, you will make the behavior that much more entrenched. Remember, whether adult, child, or animal, the behavior will first increase before it decreases. You have to be strong enough to stand your ground.

Use the following six steps to:

1. Figure out what you want and how you traditionally give in--what are your weaknesses? Do you speak up for your needs or stay silent? Do you give up at the first sign of opposition? Do you give in if someone starts to argue? Do you cave in if you get a guilt trip or the silent treatment? Does someone intimidate you into backing down?

2. Visualize the outcome you want, practicing it over and over in your mind. Mental practice helps set you up for the automatic way you want to respond. You also might have to figure out how you'll reinforce your decision, such as walking out of the room when someone starts to argue. When you feel confident with your reaction, then it's time to put it into practice.

3. Clearly make a statement about what you want. For example: "I need some help around the house. I'm no longer going to do both the cooking and the cleaning up. Husband, I need you to do the dishes after dinner and clean up the kitchen." If he objects, calmly say that if he prefers to cook, you'll clean up. But don't give in.

4. Enforce consequences. You might need to refuse to cook for a while before your husband will take you seriously. Another example of consequences is: if someone doesn't give you the uninterrupted space you requested, you leave for a few hours. However, make sure you are responsible. State where you are going and how long you'll be gone.

5. Be consistent. Remember that giving in, even one time, will only sabotage your efforts, making everything worse.

6. Ignore the grumbling and bad attitudes of your family members. As John Gray (Men Are From Mars) says, men use grumbling as a way to help them switch their brain from what they originally wanted or were focused on to what you want them to do. Women take grumbling seriously because we don't grumble unless something is really wrong. Most of the time, male grumbles aren't serious . Don't give in just because of grumbles and bad attitudes. They will pass.

Saying no will become easier over time.


Dr. Debra

Debra Holland, Ph.D., is a licensed psychotherapist who specializes in relationships and communication techniques. You may visit her website at www.drdebraholland.com. E-mail her your questions at drdebra@drdebraholland.com.

G Spot Positions: Three Sex Positions to Hit the G Spot During Sex

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

How to Introduce Sex Toys to Your Partner

Talking about sex

The trick with talking about sex and things that you’d like to do in order to improve your sex life is to not bring it up right after or right before you’re actually doing the ‘deed.’

You want to find a time that’s outside of the bedroom and unrushed. Talk in a secluded corner of a restaurant or in your kitchen. Stay out of the bedroom for the moment. You don’t want to cause any undue pressure and scare him or her away.

Be honest and open about what you’ve been thinking about. Are you thinking about trying some new toys in general or do you want to share some finds with your partner? Talk about the benefits that you’ve discovered, and see what their feelings are as well. They may be perfectly open to trying something new.

But if they aren’t, then you may want to avoid putting any pressure on them. See if you can discuss it further down the road, and let them initiate anything further.

When they’ve said yes

When your partner has agreed to try some things out, don’t jump up and down (wait until they’re gone for that), but start the conversation about things that sound like fun.

Many times, going onto an Internet site together is the best way to look without pressure or embarrassment. Not that there’s any reason for you to be embarrassed, but someone who is new can feel very vulnerable and timid. The anonymity of online can be very helpful. There are also user reviews many times as well as pictures.

There are many websites on the web to get you started on the road to pleasure. Look for the REAL user reviews as well as the great pictures. You’ll be sure to see something that you like, or something you’d like to try out. With the clear menus and thousands upon thousands of options, you’re sure to be caught looking for hours.

Online shopping gives you anonymity and discreetness. And without a salesperson or clerk looking over your shoulder, you can take your time and really pick out what you want. There’s no one trying to force you into buying something because they need a commission.

Starting off

One of the first forays into sex toys is usually a vibrator or dildo for a woman. Many women can not climax with just penetration or they need something to fill up the lonely days. Vibrators are terrific because not only can they stimulate vaginally, but they can also be used on the clitoris as well.

And although it seems like there aren’t as many toys for men, you just have to look a little harder. Why not try out a penis pump or a penis ring? Both of these can create an overwhelming sensation in the sensitive penis tip. Rings in general work by creating a sense of sensory deprivation, so that the man can ‘last longer’ until the opportune moment.

These can be especially difficult to purchase in person, especially if you’re a newbie. Try an online site to scope out the choices before settling on one penis toy or another.

A little more advanced

If you’re tried the vibrators and the penis toys, then you’re ready to venture into other areas. Anal play is something that many couples would like to try, but they’re not quite sure how to begin.

Anal beads can be a great way to give an added sense of stimulation during any other sexual acts. Of course, dildos and vibrators can also be used for this purpose, but these can be overly large and difficult for the beginner. Start off small and use a lot of lubricant to help with the beginning stages.

Tying it all up

And of course, there are always the non-mechanical toys for couples. Bondage play is a popular way to heighten the orgasm experience. By restraining one of the members of the couple, the other can taunt for hours if they want to.

With bondage however, you will want to start simple and work your way to more advanced restraint applications.

You might like to try a blindfold ,arm guards, collar and leash play or some effective looking accessories to make you look AND feel the part!

When it comes to toys, your imagination is your best guide. Talk about your fantasies and see how you might be able to make them come true. And do a little online voyeurism, who knows where that will lead when you’re done shopping?

For more information about lingerie please have a look at this link: Cheap Trashy Lingerie Exotic Lingerie

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Iris_Emery

Sex Toys - History and Benefits

HISTORY OF SEX TOYS

Sex toys have been used for thousands of years and many believe they had first originated from Asia. However, it was not until the ancient Greece time that sex toys such as dildos and other phallic objects were first made popular. Evidence also suggests that the Romans were the first to mass produce sex toys for a commercial purpose. The sex toys produced during these ancient times were often made out of smooth stones, carved wood, bronze or any solid fillings wrapped around in leather. They were usually long or had an oblong shape like an egg. For lubricants, olive oil was the more common choice.

The term "dildo" was derived during the 14th century Italian Renaissance from the Italian word "diletto" which means pleasure. The use of sex toys continue to gain popularity throughout these times. Dildos made out of rubber first appeared during the mid 18th century during the Victorian times. These rubber dildos were a leap forward as they can be fashioned after the penis and were much more comfortable to use.

Also during this time, the vibrator was invented. It was however not intended for pleasure, but was used by physicians to treat a certain disorder in women known as "hysteria". It was believed that this so-called psychological disorder could be treated by bringing the women to orgasm and the vibrator seemed perfect for the job. The first vibrators were steam powered.
By the early 19th century, more varieties of sex toys were introduced to the market and were featured in blue movies and erotic magazines. They were commonly advertised as "relaxation devices" to relieve stress and anxiety. By the 1940s, they were termed as "marital aids" and in 1960s, they were coming on strong as "massagers". Since the 1980s, with technology growing in leaps and bounds and fueled by imagination and passion, many types of sex toys were created including those for men and other fetishes like bondage.

Today, there are more people aware of their sexuality than in any other era and thanks to these little gizmos and the internet, sex toys can be delivered discreetly and conveniently to your doorstep. The sex toys industry has come a long way with manufacturers constantly improving on their product line.

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS OF SEX TOYS?

Millions of people throughout the world today have discovered sex toys to be a fulfilling enhancement to their sex lives. Humans are motivated by both pain and pleasure and sex toys can be a compelling reason to bring you to your peak of your sexual pleasure. Before we begin to illustrate the varieties of sex toys, it would be beneficial to know what motivates you.
Some of the benefits of sex toys :-

They can bring variety and help explore new ways of sexual intimacy. It brings the fulfillment of a satisfying sexual relationship which lubricates an intimate relationship.

Sex toys can increase your sexual fulfillment skills, complementing a sexual relationship.
They can also be used to spice up a relationship. Imagine receiving a sex toy wrapped in a romantic gift box instead of the usual tie-in-a-box.

They can help you orgasm faster and easier if you don't orgasm often or find it difficult to orgasm with your partner. Afterall, vibrators were originally intended for this.

Sex toys can bring back the pleasure even when your partner is out of town.

Steven consults and provides advice to the online store http://www.SexToysNirvana.com which provides various adult toys and novelty products.

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Steven_S._Ng

Quote of the day

QUOTE OF THE DAY

All married couples should learn the art of battle as they should learn the art of making love. Good battle is objective and honest - never vicious or cruel. Good battle is healthy and constructive, and brings to a marriage the principle of equal partnership.Ann Landers

Fighting With a Spouse May be Harmful to Your Heart

Fighting With a Spouse May be Harmful to Your Heart

Women's heart arteries are more likely to harden when they and their husbands fight, while men's arteries take more of a hit when they or their wives try to dominate fights.
Wednesday, March 8, 2006

By Lee Bowman - Scripps Howard News Service

Women are more likely to experience hardening of heart arteries when they and their husbands show hostility during marital fights, while men's arteries take more of a hit when they or their wives tried to be dominant in an argument, a new study finds.

Psychologists at the University of Utah set up arguments between 150 volunteer married couples, mostly in their 60s, and then did a CT scan of their coronary arteries to look for signs of calcification, a hardening and narrowing of arteries that can put people at risk for a heart attack.
Researchers coded comments made during the six-minute-long videotaped discussions on topics like money, in-laws, children, vacations and household duties, and gave each statement a rating for the level of hostility and dominance displayed by partners.

There were close associations between those behaviors and the extent of arterial damage seen in the women and men, according to the study's leader, psychology professor Tim Smith. "A low-quality relationship is a risk factor for cardiovascular disease," he said.

He presented the findings Friday in Denver during the annual meeting of the American Psychosomatic Society.

"Women who are hostile are more likely to have atherosclerosis, especially if their husbands are hostile, too," Smith said. "But the levels of dominance or control in women or their husbands are not related to women's heart health."

"In men, the hostility - their own or their wives' hostility - wasn't related to their heart's condition. But their dominance, or controlling behavior, or their wives' dominance, was related to hardening of arteries in the husbands."

Couples in the study got $150 for their time, had no history of heart disease and took no heart medicines. At least one partner in each couple was between 60 and 70 years of age, and the other spouse was no more than five years older or younger.

Each couple was asked to pick from a menu of topics something that had been a subject of disagreement in their marriage, and then were put in comfortable chairs facing each other across a table to talk.

Smith said while some of the discussions were calm, in some cases the couples were so hostile to each other than the psychology graduate students running the sessions referred them to marriage counselors.

For example, comments like "You can be so stupid sometimes" and "You're too negative all the time" were coded as "hostile" or "dominant." But having one spouse enthuse to the other "That's a good idea, let's do it" would be coded as a friendly, submissive comment.

The researchers worked on the assumption that a couple's behavior during the lab argument reflected a long-term pattern of behavior. However, Smith noted that what went on in front of strangers likely "is a muted version of what goes on at home."

Since all the subjects were healthy, none of the plaque buildup found by scans in arteries supplying the heart were considered a medical emergency, but Smith said that some people had such high scores they were advised to consult a doctor.

Earlier research into links between health and relationships has demonstrated that "close relationships are good for our heart health. Having relationships places you at lower risk than feeling lonely and isolated," Smiths said.

The new study underscores that "the quality of those relationships is important, and dimensions of quality that are important differ for men and women."

(Contact Lee Bowman at BowmanL@SHNS.com)

Copyright Scripps Howard News Service 2006
Copyright © 2003-2006 Clear Channel. All rights reserved.

Successful Marriages Take Time

Successful Marriages Take Time

Pam and Bill FarrelContributing Writers\

How much time does it take to stay in love for a life time? In our book, Red Hot Monogamy, we explain the minimum time commitment we have seen necessary to maintain the connectedness needed for a healthy strong marriage. Don't just make time for love on Valentine's Day - commit to make T.I.M.E. for love year round:

Ten – twenty minutes to talk together alone everyday. It is amazing how just making time to talk about things more important than who is going to pick up the milk will reconnect and rekindle your hearts. We first learned the skill and importance of dialoguing when we, as newlyweds, went to a United Christian Marriage Encounter. We saw the intense power of connection after we had each written a simple love letter on a topic then read the letter aloud to one another. The process is simple, but the results are profound. Many of the most happily married couples we know, those with a spark in their eyes even after 30, 40, 50 years together have found the magic in the small things: a cup of coffee and conversation in the morning or a walk around the block in the evening.

Invest in a weekly date night (or date breakfast or lunch) together for at least 4 hours. (It takes a couple hours to emotionally reconnect) We believe in the weekly date time so much that we actually schedule two of these a week because sometimes (no, many times) — life interrupts the best laid plans, so having twice as much time as we actually feel we need each week for a date ensures that even on the busiest weeks we get at least the minimum. We also believe in scheduling sexual intimacy, which gives you something to look forward to on the most hectic of weeks! (One happily married pastoral couple chose Wednesday after evening service. Often she will call him at work and whisper to him, "It’s Wednesday!" His whole day seems better after that call!)

A weekly date doesn’t have to cost much either. Here are a few ideas you can pull off for a penny:

• If you hear "your song" on the radio, simply call his/her cell phone and hold your phone up to the speaker and let the song do the romancing.

• Create a photo postcard of the two of you and on the backside, write a thank you for that special memory and an invitation out to another romantic activity.

• Recreate your first date. If you can still fit into it, wear the same clothes. If not, at least go to the same places.

• Check a book out of the library or buy a book of love poems. Sit in front of the fire place in each other’s arms and take turns reading poems to each other. Or write one yourself and read aloud.

• Create a series of thank you notes. Send one a day for as many days as you can think of things to thank your mate for. One line on each card day after day will make a bigger impact.

• Each of you take a blank set of Post it notes (each choose your own color) and write sensual things on each page, then exchange the notes randomly. Place them on the mirror, the rear view mirror in the car; on his golf clubs, in her briefcase, inside his shoe, etc . . .try to find the most outrageous spot to place the love note.

• Use everyday items to send a unique set of messages, for example, use the title of a candy bar with a note that says, "You are a 'Big Hunk'" or a note on a box of cereal reading, "You are my 'Life.'"

• Write your own "feature" article about your spouse who was just named, "World’s greatest Lover." Include all their best traits as a lover, add in a picture of this famous lover and frame it.

• Have dinner someplace different in your home: in front of the fire place, on the rooftop, on the patio or balcony out back, in the attic, under the tree in the back yard, etc.

• Use inexpensive dime store Valentines to create a trail of clues that lead to a romantic destination. You can also make this into a car rally by taping the Valentines around town, around the mall or leave taped to your friend’s front doors.

Make a monthly day away policy. At least once a month spend 8- 12 uninterrupted hours together. This can be anything you both enjoy. (To maximize this, make sure you schedule a few moments of privacy in case you want to fan the flame on your love and have a little red hot monogamy sometime during this 10-12 hour block of time.) Sometimes parents of young children find it difficult to find overnight childcare, but if you will at least commit to leaving when the kids are asleep, and returning when they are already put to bed, you can turn your own home into a B and B and make it seem like you "got away" and were a couple again. By finding a new sport or hobby you both enjoy, you create some common bonds.

Escape quarterly (or at least bi annually) away for a 48 hour weekend. Nothing is as nice as unplugging from life to stir the embers of love.

But if you can’t getaway today, then at least start tonight. Do a mini escape by locking the bedroom door and ask and answer a few questions that will fan the flame on love:

• What lighting sets to mood for you?

• What sounds and aromas set your heart ablaze?

• What words do you love me to whisper in your ear?

• What sights make your heart dance? A view? A sunset? The majestic? Quaint and cozy? Great art? Unique and eclectic?

Enjoy your T.I.M.E.!

This article was adapted from: Red Hot Monogamy (Harvest House Publishers).

Pam and Bill Farrel are international speakers and the authors of over 20 books including best-selling Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti and their newest, Every Marriage is a Fixer Upper. For more information on their books and ministry: 800-810-4449 or http://farrelcommunications.com.

Jealous Of The Women In Your Guy’s Life?

Date: Thursday, March 02, 2006 By: Maggie Kim, Happen Magazine for Match.com

You and your guy have a good thing going. But sometimes it can be hard to feel 100 percent confident of his affections—especially when he’s meeting up with his ex “to catch up,” working late nights with his bubbly female coworker, or flirting back with that Starbucks barista who makes his latte every morning. Yes, jealousy is an ugly emotion, but there are ways to harness it so you don’t go ballistic. And—let’s be honest—there are times when that little green monster is trying to tell you something. Here’s how to decode your emotions and tell whether certain women in his life truly spell trouble.

Woman #1: The ex-girlfriend who’s still hanging around

How to tell if there’s a problem: For starters, know that it’s good to have a boyfriend who’s on good terms with his exes. “It’s a sign of maturity and says that he’ll treat you well if your relationship doesn’t work out,” explains relationship therapist Dr. Jenn Berman (DoctorJenn.com). However, their contact does need to be appropriate. Lunch every few weeks and an occasional phone call is fine. But when push comes to shove, his priority must be you. “If he’s running to meet her instead of you for drinks, there’s a problem,” warns Laurie Puhn, J.D., Happen’s communication expert and author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life.

How to deal: Whatever you do, don’t bash his ex or call her needy—that will only convince him you’re just jealous and put you on the defensive. Instead, say, “Listen, I really like her, but it makes me concerned when you two go out to dinner or drinks together.” Any boyfriend worth his salt will do what he can to make you more comfortable, by either paring back his time with his ex or emphasizing all the ways you’re his one-and-only.


Woman #2: A past lover who rocked his world

How to tell if there’s a problem: Every guy has a woman like this in his past—someone who was so smart, funny, or sexy you feel you just can’t compare. Making matters worse, she’s so long-gone that you can’t even meet her, which only stokes your insecurities. Asking for dirty details to satisfy your curiosity, however, is silly for several reasons: “First, you’ll only learn things that will upset you,” says Puhn. “Secondly, if he’s willing to share intimate details with you, you can be sure that he’ll share details about you with the next girlfriend if you two break up!”

How to deal: You can’t very well change his past, so you’re better off just accepting it, reminding yourself that no matter how amazing she was, there’s a reason these two aren’t still together. “You should know his history in a general sense but you have to logically realize that he has a right to, and should have had, previous relationships, just like you do,” says Puhn. “If you have a need to learn specifics, it says something about your issues, not his.” In other words, you need to let go.

Woman #3: The female coworker

How to tell if there’s a problem: Are those late nights at the office purely professional, or the scene of a budding office romance? The difference, says Dr. Jenn, lies in what they do together. “If he’s going out with his female coworker with a group of people, that’s appropriate,” says Dr. Jenn. “If it’s just the two of them for martinis at a swanky lounge, that’s something else.” Also watch for behavior that escalates. “People are likely to develop feelings for anyone they spend a lot of time with,” says Puhn. “If they go for coffee, then have lunch, which then leads to a regular after-work happy hour, that’s a sign that something could be happening.”

How to deal: It can be easy to misinterpret office rapport as something more, so the fastest way to get a better gauge is to meet the woman in question. Tell him you’d like to meet his new coworker (or coworkers) at happy hour some day. If he resists, arguing it’ll be just “boring work talk,” that could be a red flag. “The question is, are you being deliberately excluded?” says Puhn. “If so, why is he trying to keep his work and personal life so separate?” If you do meet the woman in question, your intuition will probably send you strong signals about what is really going on (or not) between them.

Woman #4: His best female friend

How to tell if there’s a problem: They’ve been there for each other through thick and thin—even so, best buddies should fade into the background once a relationship gets serious, says Dr. Jenn. “At some point, his primary source of support should shift from his best friend to you,” she says. And while this can take some time, it’s within your rights to expect it.

How to deal: When you talk to him about your concerns, focus on how his friendship is specifically harming your relationship—for example, “When I’m over at your house and you’re on the phone with her for half an hour while I’m doing nothing, that upsets me because we don’t have that much time to spend together.” And if he accuses you of being jealous? Admit to it, advises Puhn. “Tell him, ‘Yes, I’m jealous, but I’m being honest because I don’t want it to drive us apart.’” If he still insists there’s no problem, that could spell trouble. “If his friendship is more important to him than his relationship with you, that tells you something about how he ranks things,” warns Puhn. “Maybe he intends to keep his best friendship and marriage separate, but you may well dream of marrying your best friend. That’s a problem!”

Women #5: A hot stranger he meets

How to tell if there’s a problem: So his head turned to follow some hottie strutting down the block, or he blushed when the waitress called him cute? “He’s your boyfriend, he’s not dead!” exclaims Dr. Jenn. “We’re not blind once we’re in a relationship. We can appreciate a good-looking person. It’s about not acting on it.” Puhn agrees. “It’s OK to smile at the cute barista, but that’s about it,” she says. “Your boyfriend should not be making any effort to meet this person because they’re not friends. If he’s going out of his way to cultivate a conversation or see her, it says something about who he is.” And trust us, it’s not good.

How to deal: Since it’s probably no big deal, feel free to tease him with comments like “Oh, she’s got a crush on you,” or “Having fun flirting with the bartender?” But if your guy constantly needs to feel desired by others, it could be time to get serious. First, in case he’s not aware of what he’s doing, say, “You know, Tom’s sister has a crush on you. Maybe it’s better if you don’t chat her up and send the wrong signal—not only about how you feel about her, but about us.” This double-whammy guilt trip should sober up the most inveterate flirt.


Maggie Kim is a writer and rock musician who’s never jealous when she’s single. Her Web site is www.maggiekim.com.

3 Post-Valentine's Day Resolutions

3 Post-Valentine's Day Resolutions

Date: Wednesday, February 15, 2006By: Match.com

So Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and it wasn’t exactly what you had hoped for. Maybe you went out on a date with someone boring just to be on a date. Perhaps you commiserated with other single friends over one too many cocktails. Or maybe you stayed home and watched really bad horror flicks with a pint of rocky road. In any case, what should have been your most romantic day of the year didn’t include roses, dinner or future possibilities.

Take heart! Better times are around the corner.

To ensure you have a better chance of making next year’s Valentine’s Day a winner, make some resolutions. No, not those unattainable ones you make at the beginning of every year like, "I will lose 75 pounds in one week" or "I will wipe out all my credit card debt." Make resolutions that are easy to keep and have lasting value.

Here are three resolutions to help you develop a more active dating life.

I will make better choices. Just a guess, but the married convict with intimacy issues probably isn't your best prospect. If you always date a workaholic and break up because you never spend time together, isn't it time to self-evaluate? Take a look at your dating history and see if there is a pattern; learn from past mistakes. Who we're attracted to and what’s good for us are often very different.

I will network more. Some people think networking is a dirty word, especially when it involves letting people know you are on the market. There’s nothing wrong with telling co-workers, friends and family that you're single. People aren’t mind readers; if you don’t tell them what your situation is, they won’t know. And think about it: everyone loves to help out their friends in the romance department.

I will take more chances. You'll have to do more than wish for an active dating life before it will actually happen. Going to the same happy hour every Friday night and meeting the same people every week will probably not fill up your social calendar. Do things you’ve never done before: join a club, take a class or search for local singles online. The more you put yourself in new environments, the better your chances are of meeting someone new. Keep your eyes open to all possibilities; inevitably you'll find your special someone where you least expect.
Resolve to be prepared for next year's Valentine's Day. What the heck? With a little help from Match.com, you could find a date in time for spring!

Five Creative Ways to Put a Spin on Tradition

by Maryann Reid

Being creative is better than being like everyone elseYou don't need to walk in on an elephant to have a unique wedding that defies tradition. Less is more. As I was planning Marry Your Baby Daddy Day last year, many of my couples had questions about how they can make it "their" wedding when they were sharing it with 9 other couples. Below are a few suggestions to add a new twist:

* Are you getting married, want the reception to last all night, but you can only afford a few hours? Have a midnight champagne toast in your home, invite only the closest family and friends, share cake, and do a simple spread for the table (BJs has tasty, wonderful appetizer choices).

* Get married outside. Community parks have affordable rates for couples who want to marry quick in a natural environment. It is also a good place to sneak in some nice pictures on your way to the reception.

* Plan a destination wedding. Have too many friends and family? This is the best way to limit the crowd and any wedding planning on your end. The good news is, when it's done, you are already on your honeymoon.

* Jump the broom. You don't have to have an African themed wedding to jump the broom. It's fun, creative, and gets people involved. Have you entire bridal party jump the broom on your way out.

* Have a barbecue. Getting married during the day? Get the grill out, go to your neighborhood park or backyard and bring lots, and lots of napkins. Don't forget the boombox. Pass the Budlight...

Maryann Reidemail: mreidwrites@aol.comphone: 212 946 5164
web: http://www.marryyourbabydaddy.com

Better Than Sex Recipes

Better Than Sex Recipes
By The Wet Noodle Poose

It's the month of love, but this month's recipes are so scrumptious you just might decide they're better than sex.

Better Than Sex Pie

Contributed by Pam Payne

1 1/2 cups flour

1 1/2 sticks margarine or butter at room temperature

1 cup pecans8 ounces cream cheese

1 cup powdered sugar

1 large container of Cool Whip

1 large (5.1-ounce) package

and 1 small (3.9-ounce) package instant, chocolate pudding mix4 1/2 cups cold milk

For the crust, mix the flour, margarine or butter, and pecans together to make a stiff dough. (I usually end up squeezing it together with my hands until I have a moistened ball.) Press into a 9x15-inch pan, and bake at 325 degrees for 15-20 minutes. Set it aside to cool.Next layer: combine softened cream cheese, powdered sugar and 1 cup of the Cool Whip, and spread over crust.Next layer: Fix the 2 packages of pudding using 4 1/2 cups of milk. Whisk for 2 minutes until thickened. Spread over cream cheese layer.Next layer: Top with remaining Cool Whip. You can garnish it with chocolate shavings if desired.Be careful, though. Once you start eating it, it's hard to stop.

Better Than Sex Brownies(Based on the recipe from The Fannie Farmer Baking Book)

Contributed by Maureen Hardegree

Ingredients:4 ounces (4 squares) unsweetened baking chocolate, chopped1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter chopped into pats2 eggs1 teaspoon vanilla extract1 1/2 cups granulated sugar1/4 teaspoon salt1/2 cup flour

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Grease and flour an 8-inch square pan. DO NOT USE A RECTANGULAR PAN! Place the butter and chocolate in a saucepan, and melt over low heat. Stir frequently. Once the butter and chocolate are melted and combined, take the saucepan off of the heat and set aside for a few minutes to cool. Once cool, add vanilla, sugar, salt and eggs. Stir until combined and glossy. Add flour to the chocolate mixture in saucepan, and stir until incorporated. The batter should be thick. Spread batter evenly in square pan. Bake for 30-35 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center of the pan comes out BARELY CLEAN. If the toothpick is totally clean, you've over-baked the brownies. Cool, then cut into 16 squares and enjoy!

No Ordinary Trifle

Contributed by Lee McKenzie

This delectable dessert is a feast for the eyes.

Thanks to generous layers of strawberries, chocolate and whipped cream, it's a crowd pleaser.1 pound fresh strawberries (or whole frozen, unsweetened)1 or 2 teaspoons sugar (optional)1 pound cream cheese, softened1/2 cup sugar3 tablespoons orange liqueur (or orange juice)3 cups whipping cream, whippedSponge cake, thinly sliced (my local grocery store sells them, two round layers in a package, but you also can use lady fingers, any basic white cake or a pound cake)6 squares semi-sweet baking chocolate, grated

Slice the strawberries and set aside. If using frozen berries, they're easiest to slice when still frozen. If using fresh strawberries, sprinkle the slices with one or two teaspoons of sugar and toss before you set aside. This draws out the juices, which you need when you assemble the trifle. Reserve a few berries (whole or sliced) for garnish.Beat together cream cheese and the half cup of sugar. Stir in liqueur or orange juice. Fold in whipped cream.Drain the strawberries and reserve the juice. You'll need about one-quarter cup of juice. If necessary, add a little orange juice to make a quarter cup.You'll need a large trifle bowl or other clear glass bowl. Layer the ingredients in this order:

Place half the cake slices in the bottom of the bowl and drizzle with half the reserved strawberry juice.

Cover cake with one-third of the cream cheese mixture.

The next layer consists of half the strawberries. For the best visual effect, press some of the berries against the edge of the bowl.

Sprinkle one-third of the grated chocolate over the berries.
Repeat these layers.

Spread the remaining one-third of the cream cheese mixture over the top.
Garnish: arrange several whole or sliced strawberries on top of the final cream cheese layer, and sprinkle on the rest of the grated chocolate.
Refrigerate for several hours before serving.

*****

For metric conversions of the measurements above, consult any of the following sites:http://southernfood.about.com/library/info/blconv.htm http://www.thatsmyhome.com/recipes/conversion.htm http://www.gourmetsleuth.com/conversions.htm

Ten Tips for Valentine Vixenry

Ten Tips for Valentine VixenryBy Bridget Stuart

Did you know the word "vixen," far from meaning "sexy she-devil," actually means "a female fox" or "a malicious, bad-tempered woman"?

In the true spirit of bad-tempered women the world over let's review the following top ten Valentine tips:

1. Send yourself some flowers with an amorous note, and pretend to be flustered when they're delivered in front of him. Rip the note in half and avoid his eyes: "Oh, they're from Jennifer; she's so thoughtful, but how silly she is! Why should she send me flowers?"

2. Make a reservation at the most romantic restaurant in town that is also extremely hard to find; then argue about every right turn, every left turn, every freeway on-ramp or off-ramp, and keep mumbling comments like, "I knew you should have Mapquested it," all the way there.

3. Give him the Valentine gift of a luxurious spa getaway on his own. Give yourself the gift of some spa clothing and a new overnight bag for the trip.

4. Put on your skimpiest lingerie and sweetest perfume; light candles in the bedroom; kiss him hungrily when he slips between the sheets; then break it off and sigh, turn your back, and move to the other side of the bed.

5. Sing "Someday My Prince Will Come" every time you do the dishes, with a faraway look in your eyes.

6. Re-program his cell-phone ringtone to play a loud, sappy love song. Something by Barry Manilow would be good. For maximum effect, do this before he goes out of town on business or before a night out with "just the guys".

7. When he calls on the phone, let him say, "Hello, honey, this is me," and then say, "Well, hello-o Sergio," in a sexy voice. Unless his name is Sergio. When he freaks out, giggle and say, "Oh, I was just teasing you, honey. You're so cute when you're feeling threatened."

8. When he gives you a box of Valentine chocolate, wrinkle your nose and hand it back to him, with a ticked-off "Haven't you even bothered to notice I'm counting carbs? Don't you care that I work like a dog to keep looking beautiful--and I'm doing it just for you?" Continue this behavior until he apologizes.

9. Throw away his college sweatshirt and when he protests, give a light little laugh and tell him it was for his own good because it made him look even fatter than he really is.

10. Look straight at him with a wounded expression, then let tears start to slide down your cheeks; when he asks what's wrong, just cry harder and keep saying "Nothing, nothing."

And now, since I got your hopes up with that titillating title, here are two "bonus" tips--real ones:

Bonus Tip One: Think Pumpkin Are you hoping for some good lovin' on Valentine's Day? Here's a clue for you: controlled, double-blind studies have proven the top turn-on scent for men is... Pumpkin Pie. (I presume this is for American men, not Fiji Islanders.) Is that disappointing, or what? I tried and tried to figure this one out. My best guess at an explanation is men associate pumpkin pie with home, or more specifically, with going home for the holidays. This means men associate pumpkin pie with their mothers. Why is this sexy? Because men feel safe with their mothers. Accepted. Loved, admired and encouraged. That would make anyone feel open to overtures, right? So here's what you do. First you bake a pumpkin pie. Then you tell him, "Darling, I love, admire, encourage and accept you so much." Don't add any cheeky variations to that sentence, please. Then before he gets distracted by eating any pie, you whip off your apron and make said overtures. Badabing badaboom!

Bonus Tip Two: Men are DogsIf you're hoping Valentine's Day will bring the big, romantic moment when he pops the question, this advice is for you. Bear in mind that men are much more like dogs than they are like women. For example, they will be unswervingly loyal if you continue to show them who's Master--you. They need to be given pats and play and food, but they also need to be trained to jump through hoops. Be cautious, though: like dogs, men can smell fear. So strictly avoid the f-word ("fear") and the d-word ("desperation"). Instead, blithely assume his total love and devotion to you while making him question yours to him and implying he may only obtain it by fighting tooth and claw against the other dogs. The ring will soon follow. Ruff, ruff!Good luck in your kitchen or your kennel... and Happy Valentine's Day!

When she isn't driving her husband out of his mind, Bridget Stuart channels her regrettable tendency to think devious thoughts and do tricky things into writing sassy women's fiction.

Valentine's Day Stress Question

This was asked on another blog by another blogger and I thought I'd post my responses to you...

Blogger (a man) wrote:

IN A COUPLE OF WEEKS VALENTINE'S DAY IS COMING AND I WAS WONDERING THIS: IS THIS HOLIDAY SUPPOSE TO CATER TO JUST THE WOMEN OR SHOULD IT BE LABELED AS A COUPLE'S HOLIDAY. SHOULD MEN ALSO RECEIVE GIFTS AS SIGN OF AFFECTION OR SUCH FROM THEIR LADIES ON THIS DAY? WHAT MADE IT A DAY FOR JUST THE WOMAN? AND IF THAT IS POSSIBLE, LADIES WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING NICE FOR THE MEN AS OPPOSE TO THE MEN DOING NICE THINGS FOR YOU.

My comments are in lower case and bold in response to the post:

IS THIS HOLIDAY SUPPOSE TO CATER TO JUST THE WOMEN OR SHOULD IT BE LABELED AS A COUPLE'S HOLIDAY.

val day is a holiday as a reminder to couples. its kinda like christmas. just like you don't wait until the day to celebrate Jesus, you shouldn't wait til Val day to celebrate the person who completes you.

SHOULD MEN ALSO RECEIVE GIFTS AS SIGN OF AFFECTION OR SUCH FROM THEIR LADIES ON THIS DAY?

you (men) should also receive something

WHAT MADE IT A DAY FOR JUST THE WOMAN?

because men have grown lax on their appreciation and by the time val day comes around they are so stressed about what to give her they figure if they just throw something big at her she'll forgive them for not doing anything else for the rest of the year. if men had been on their jobs in the relationship, they'd see if they at least thought of her once a week (just 52 times out the year) they wouldnt' have so much to worry about the rest of the year. (I'll also admit that women do this too.) (Jezz people 52 times at that bad or that much to obligate yourself to do. quit being lazy and neglectful in your relationship!)

AND IF THAT IS POSSIBLE, LADIES WOULD YOU DO SOMETHING NICE FOR THE MEN AS OPPOSE TO THE MEN DOING NICE THINGS FOR YOU.

its a two way street. stop neglecting each other and you wont' get all stressed out about this time of year.

Writing from the Heart:the intimate art of love letters

February 2, 6:30 - 8:30 at Crazy Wisdom, 114 S. Main Street, Ann Arbor. $20e-mail: pabaillie@earthlink.net www.annregentin.com• The best love letters reflect the personality of the reader as well as the writer. Learn howto write about your feelings honestly in a way that will delight the one who reads them.• Relationships have different stages, and what's appropriate for a twenty-year marriage isvery different from what's appropriate when you've been dating for two weeks. Learn whatto say and when, as well as how best to say it.• The rules of good writing are surprisingly simple. Learn how to make the best of yourown personal style, even if you think you don't have one.Whether you've been married for decades or have just started dating, a love letter is auniquely personal gift. In this workshop, poet and erotica author Ann Regentin will showyou how to write the kind of love letters that are treasured forever.Thanks!Annwww.annregentin.comhttp://annregentin.blogspot.com