"It's What Happens After You Disconnect ..."
by Susie and Otto Collins
It was pretty interesting as we look back on this situation that
happened a few weeks ago.
A friend who we don't get to see very often got to see the two
of us in a "not so perfect moment." This was a moment when
lots of things were going on around us and we both had some
opinions and said some things to each other that needed
some healing later on.
The short version of the story is that we were disconnected
from each other in that moment that our friend was there
and it showed.
We all disconnect in various ways from one another from time
to time. It's normal. We feel slighted, not loved, unappreciated
or any number of things and these feelings create separations
from those we love.
Whether it's your intimate partner, a family member, a friend
or a co-worker--it happens to all of us.
We've discovered that it's what happens after you disconnect
and you get into your "relationship dance" or your patterns that
makes the difference whether there will be "spark" or life in
your relationship or not in the future.
This has certainly held true both in our own relationship and life
and in the lives and relationships of the coaching clients that
we work with in person and by telephone.
Since we're creating a series of teleseminars on how to keep
the spark in your relationship and how to get it back if it has
faded, it started us thinking that one of the important ways to
do that is to pay attention to what happens after you disconnect.
Recently, one of our coaching clients became disconnected
from a friend he worked with. Our client's friend became very
angry with him for something that our client had done. In turn,
our client became angry because he just couldn't figure out
what he had done that was so bad.
Pretty common scenario--Right?
No matter what type of relationship it is, it's what happens
after the disagreement or disconnection that will determine
whether the relationship grows or dies.
Here are some tips on what to do and how to come back
together after a disagreement that we used after our
disconnection and we offer them to you to try so that
your relationships keep growing in healthy ways:
1. What the disagreement or disconnection happens,
stop yourself from responding in old, harmful ways that
have done nothing but keep the two of you apart. Instead,
take a few deep breaths. If you do respond in old harmful
ways, take a moment to recognize that you have done so.
2. Let go of clinging to the idea of being right. Everyone
sees things differently and looks out at life through
different lenses. Chances are, the person you had the
disagreement with thinks he/she is just as "right" as
you are. So don't cling to your "rightness" and possibly
lose the relationship.
3. After you have yourself under control, listen to the
person with an open heart and open mind. Hard to
do sometimes but absolutely necessary if you are
going to keep your relationship healthy.
4. Take responsibility for your part in this disagreement--
even if it's just to tell the other person that you can
understand how they may feel the way they do. Tell
how you were feeling and any circumstances that
the other person might not know about that may
have precipitated the disagreement.
5. Be open to exploring how you both can repair
your relationship and make it better. If you come
to this discussion with a strong desire to come
back together and a sense of possibility, some
ideas will emerge that will help your reconnection.
These are just a few ideas around this topic and
if you want to learn much more, sign up for our
f-r-e-e teleseminar that we mentioned in the news
and notes section of this newsletter.
-----===(*)===-----
Susie and Otto's Relationship Resources:
"How To Heal Your Broken Heart: The Secrets To Getting Over a
Relationship Break Up or Divorce"
This is our new book that is available now from our web site at
http://www.HowToHealYourBrokenHeart.com
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