Fighting With a Spouse May be Harmful to Your Heart

Fighting With a Spouse May be Harmful to Your Heart

Women's heart arteries are more likely to harden when they and their husbands fight, while men's arteries take more of a hit when they or their wives try to dominate fights.
Wednesday, March 8, 2006

By Lee Bowman - Scripps Howard News Service

Women are more likely to experience hardening of heart arteries when they and their husbands show hostility during marital fights, while men's arteries take more of a hit when they or their wives tried to be dominant in an argument, a new study finds.

Psychologists at the University of Utah set up arguments between 150 volunteer married couples, mostly in their 60s, and then did a CT scan of their coronary arteries to look for signs of calcification, a hardening and narrowing of arteries that can put people at risk for a heart attack.
Researchers coded comments made during the six-minute-long videotaped discussions on topics like money, in-laws, children, vacations and household duties, and gave each statement a rating for the level of hostility and dominance displayed by partners.

There were close associations between those behaviors and the extent of arterial damage seen in the women and men, according to the study's leader, psychology professor Tim Smith. "A low-quality relationship is a risk factor for cardiovascular disease," he said.

He presented the findings Friday in Denver during the annual meeting of the American Psychosomatic Society.

"Women who are hostile are more likely to have atherosclerosis, especially if their husbands are hostile, too," Smith said. "But the levels of dominance or control in women or their husbands are not related to women's heart health."

"In men, the hostility - their own or their wives' hostility - wasn't related to their heart's condition. But their dominance, or controlling behavior, or their wives' dominance, was related to hardening of arteries in the husbands."

Couples in the study got $150 for their time, had no history of heart disease and took no heart medicines. At least one partner in each couple was between 60 and 70 years of age, and the other spouse was no more than five years older or younger.

Each couple was asked to pick from a menu of topics something that had been a subject of disagreement in their marriage, and then were put in comfortable chairs facing each other across a table to talk.

Smith said while some of the discussions were calm, in some cases the couples were so hostile to each other than the psychology graduate students running the sessions referred them to marriage counselors.

For example, comments like "You can be so stupid sometimes" and "You're too negative all the time" were coded as "hostile" or "dominant." But having one spouse enthuse to the other "That's a good idea, let's do it" would be coded as a friendly, submissive comment.

The researchers worked on the assumption that a couple's behavior during the lab argument reflected a long-term pattern of behavior. However, Smith noted that what went on in front of strangers likely "is a muted version of what goes on at home."

Since all the subjects were healthy, none of the plaque buildup found by scans in arteries supplying the heart were considered a medical emergency, but Smith said that some people had such high scores they were advised to consult a doctor.

Earlier research into links between health and relationships has demonstrated that "close relationships are good for our heart health. Having relationships places you at lower risk than feeling lonely and isolated," Smiths said.

The new study underscores that "the quality of those relationships is important, and dimensions of quality that are important differ for men and women."

(Contact Lee Bowman at BowmanL@SHNS.com)

Copyright Scripps Howard News Service 2006
Copyright © 2003-2006 Clear Channel. All rights reserved.

Successful Marriages Take Time

Successful Marriages Take Time

Pam and Bill FarrelContributing Writers\

How much time does it take to stay in love for a life time? In our book, Red Hot Monogamy, we explain the minimum time commitment we have seen necessary to maintain the connectedness needed for a healthy strong marriage. Don't just make time for love on Valentine's Day - commit to make T.I.M.E. for love year round:

Ten – twenty minutes to talk together alone everyday. It is amazing how just making time to talk about things more important than who is going to pick up the milk will reconnect and rekindle your hearts. We first learned the skill and importance of dialoguing when we, as newlyweds, went to a United Christian Marriage Encounter. We saw the intense power of connection after we had each written a simple love letter on a topic then read the letter aloud to one another. The process is simple, but the results are profound. Many of the most happily married couples we know, those with a spark in their eyes even after 30, 40, 50 years together have found the magic in the small things: a cup of coffee and conversation in the morning or a walk around the block in the evening.

Invest in a weekly date night (or date breakfast or lunch) together for at least 4 hours. (It takes a couple hours to emotionally reconnect) We believe in the weekly date time so much that we actually schedule two of these a week because sometimes (no, many times) — life interrupts the best laid plans, so having twice as much time as we actually feel we need each week for a date ensures that even on the busiest weeks we get at least the minimum. We also believe in scheduling sexual intimacy, which gives you something to look forward to on the most hectic of weeks! (One happily married pastoral couple chose Wednesday after evening service. Often she will call him at work and whisper to him, "It’s Wednesday!" His whole day seems better after that call!)

A weekly date doesn’t have to cost much either. Here are a few ideas you can pull off for a penny:

• If you hear "your song" on the radio, simply call his/her cell phone and hold your phone up to the speaker and let the song do the romancing.

• Create a photo postcard of the two of you and on the backside, write a thank you for that special memory and an invitation out to another romantic activity.

• Recreate your first date. If you can still fit into it, wear the same clothes. If not, at least go to the same places.

• Check a book out of the library or buy a book of love poems. Sit in front of the fire place in each other’s arms and take turns reading poems to each other. Or write one yourself and read aloud.

• Create a series of thank you notes. Send one a day for as many days as you can think of things to thank your mate for. One line on each card day after day will make a bigger impact.

• Each of you take a blank set of Post it notes (each choose your own color) and write sensual things on each page, then exchange the notes randomly. Place them on the mirror, the rear view mirror in the car; on his golf clubs, in her briefcase, inside his shoe, etc . . .try to find the most outrageous spot to place the love note.

• Use everyday items to send a unique set of messages, for example, use the title of a candy bar with a note that says, "You are a 'Big Hunk'" or a note on a box of cereal reading, "You are my 'Life.'"

• Write your own "feature" article about your spouse who was just named, "World’s greatest Lover." Include all their best traits as a lover, add in a picture of this famous lover and frame it.

• Have dinner someplace different in your home: in front of the fire place, on the rooftop, on the patio or balcony out back, in the attic, under the tree in the back yard, etc.

• Use inexpensive dime store Valentines to create a trail of clues that lead to a romantic destination. You can also make this into a car rally by taping the Valentines around town, around the mall or leave taped to your friend’s front doors.

Make a monthly day away policy. At least once a month spend 8- 12 uninterrupted hours together. This can be anything you both enjoy. (To maximize this, make sure you schedule a few moments of privacy in case you want to fan the flame on your love and have a little red hot monogamy sometime during this 10-12 hour block of time.) Sometimes parents of young children find it difficult to find overnight childcare, but if you will at least commit to leaving when the kids are asleep, and returning when they are already put to bed, you can turn your own home into a B and B and make it seem like you "got away" and were a couple again. By finding a new sport or hobby you both enjoy, you create some common bonds.

Escape quarterly (or at least bi annually) away for a 48 hour weekend. Nothing is as nice as unplugging from life to stir the embers of love.

But if you can’t getaway today, then at least start tonight. Do a mini escape by locking the bedroom door and ask and answer a few questions that will fan the flame on love:

• What lighting sets to mood for you?

• What sounds and aromas set your heart ablaze?

• What words do you love me to whisper in your ear?

• What sights make your heart dance? A view? A sunset? The majestic? Quaint and cozy? Great art? Unique and eclectic?

Enjoy your T.I.M.E.!

This article was adapted from: Red Hot Monogamy (Harvest House Publishers).

Pam and Bill Farrel are international speakers and the authors of over 20 books including best-selling Men are like Waffles, Women are like Spaghetti and their newest, Every Marriage is a Fixer Upper. For more information on their books and ministry: 800-810-4449 or http://farrelcommunications.com.

Jealous Of The Women In Your Guy’s Life?

Date: Thursday, March 02, 2006 By: Maggie Kim, Happen Magazine for Match.com

You and your guy have a good thing going. But sometimes it can be hard to feel 100 percent confident of his affections—especially when he’s meeting up with his ex “to catch up,” working late nights with his bubbly female coworker, or flirting back with that Starbucks barista who makes his latte every morning. Yes, jealousy is an ugly emotion, but there are ways to harness it so you don’t go ballistic. And—let’s be honest—there are times when that little green monster is trying to tell you something. Here’s how to decode your emotions and tell whether certain women in his life truly spell trouble.

Woman #1: The ex-girlfriend who’s still hanging around

How to tell if there’s a problem: For starters, know that it’s good to have a boyfriend who’s on good terms with his exes. “It’s a sign of maturity and says that he’ll treat you well if your relationship doesn’t work out,” explains relationship therapist Dr. Jenn Berman (DoctorJenn.com). However, their contact does need to be appropriate. Lunch every few weeks and an occasional phone call is fine. But when push comes to shove, his priority must be you. “If he’s running to meet her instead of you for drinks, there’s a problem,” warns Laurie Puhn, J.D., Happen’s communication expert and author of Instant Persuasion: How to Change Your Words to Change Your Life.

How to deal: Whatever you do, don’t bash his ex or call her needy—that will only convince him you’re just jealous and put you on the defensive. Instead, say, “Listen, I really like her, but it makes me concerned when you two go out to dinner or drinks together.” Any boyfriend worth his salt will do what he can to make you more comfortable, by either paring back his time with his ex or emphasizing all the ways you’re his one-and-only.


Woman #2: A past lover who rocked his world

How to tell if there’s a problem: Every guy has a woman like this in his past—someone who was so smart, funny, or sexy you feel you just can’t compare. Making matters worse, she’s so long-gone that you can’t even meet her, which only stokes your insecurities. Asking for dirty details to satisfy your curiosity, however, is silly for several reasons: “First, you’ll only learn things that will upset you,” says Puhn. “Secondly, if he’s willing to share intimate details with you, you can be sure that he’ll share details about you with the next girlfriend if you two break up!”

How to deal: You can’t very well change his past, so you’re better off just accepting it, reminding yourself that no matter how amazing she was, there’s a reason these two aren’t still together. “You should know his history in a general sense but you have to logically realize that he has a right to, and should have had, previous relationships, just like you do,” says Puhn. “If you have a need to learn specifics, it says something about your issues, not his.” In other words, you need to let go.

Woman #3: The female coworker

How to tell if there’s a problem: Are those late nights at the office purely professional, or the scene of a budding office romance? The difference, says Dr. Jenn, lies in what they do together. “If he’s going out with his female coworker with a group of people, that’s appropriate,” says Dr. Jenn. “If it’s just the two of them for martinis at a swanky lounge, that’s something else.” Also watch for behavior that escalates. “People are likely to develop feelings for anyone they spend a lot of time with,” says Puhn. “If they go for coffee, then have lunch, which then leads to a regular after-work happy hour, that’s a sign that something could be happening.”

How to deal: It can be easy to misinterpret office rapport as something more, so the fastest way to get a better gauge is to meet the woman in question. Tell him you’d like to meet his new coworker (or coworkers) at happy hour some day. If he resists, arguing it’ll be just “boring work talk,” that could be a red flag. “The question is, are you being deliberately excluded?” says Puhn. “If so, why is he trying to keep his work and personal life so separate?” If you do meet the woman in question, your intuition will probably send you strong signals about what is really going on (or not) between them.

Woman #4: His best female friend

How to tell if there’s a problem: They’ve been there for each other through thick and thin—even so, best buddies should fade into the background once a relationship gets serious, says Dr. Jenn. “At some point, his primary source of support should shift from his best friend to you,” she says. And while this can take some time, it’s within your rights to expect it.

How to deal: When you talk to him about your concerns, focus on how his friendship is specifically harming your relationship—for example, “When I’m over at your house and you’re on the phone with her for half an hour while I’m doing nothing, that upsets me because we don’t have that much time to spend together.” And if he accuses you of being jealous? Admit to it, advises Puhn. “Tell him, ‘Yes, I’m jealous, but I’m being honest because I don’t want it to drive us apart.’” If he still insists there’s no problem, that could spell trouble. “If his friendship is more important to him than his relationship with you, that tells you something about how he ranks things,” warns Puhn. “Maybe he intends to keep his best friendship and marriage separate, but you may well dream of marrying your best friend. That’s a problem!”

Women #5: A hot stranger he meets

How to tell if there’s a problem: So his head turned to follow some hottie strutting down the block, or he blushed when the waitress called him cute? “He’s your boyfriend, he’s not dead!” exclaims Dr. Jenn. “We’re not blind once we’re in a relationship. We can appreciate a good-looking person. It’s about not acting on it.” Puhn agrees. “It’s OK to smile at the cute barista, but that’s about it,” she says. “Your boyfriend should not be making any effort to meet this person because they’re not friends. If he’s going out of his way to cultivate a conversation or see her, it says something about who he is.” And trust us, it’s not good.

How to deal: Since it’s probably no big deal, feel free to tease him with comments like “Oh, she’s got a crush on you,” or “Having fun flirting with the bartender?” But if your guy constantly needs to feel desired by others, it could be time to get serious. First, in case he’s not aware of what he’s doing, say, “You know, Tom’s sister has a crush on you. Maybe it’s better if you don’t chat her up and send the wrong signal—not only about how you feel about her, but about us.” This double-whammy guilt trip should sober up the most inveterate flirt.


Maggie Kim is a writer and rock musician who’s never jealous when she’s single. Her Web site is www.maggiekim.com.

3 Post-Valentine's Day Resolutions

3 Post-Valentine's Day Resolutions

Date: Wednesday, February 15, 2006By: Match.com

So Valentine’s Day has come and gone, and it wasn’t exactly what you had hoped for. Maybe you went out on a date with someone boring just to be on a date. Perhaps you commiserated with other single friends over one too many cocktails. Or maybe you stayed home and watched really bad horror flicks with a pint of rocky road. In any case, what should have been your most romantic day of the year didn’t include roses, dinner or future possibilities.

Take heart! Better times are around the corner.

To ensure you have a better chance of making next year’s Valentine’s Day a winner, make some resolutions. No, not those unattainable ones you make at the beginning of every year like, "I will lose 75 pounds in one week" or "I will wipe out all my credit card debt." Make resolutions that are easy to keep and have lasting value.

Here are three resolutions to help you develop a more active dating life.

I will make better choices. Just a guess, but the married convict with intimacy issues probably isn't your best prospect. If you always date a workaholic and break up because you never spend time together, isn't it time to self-evaluate? Take a look at your dating history and see if there is a pattern; learn from past mistakes. Who we're attracted to and what’s good for us are often very different.

I will network more. Some people think networking is a dirty word, especially when it involves letting people know you are on the market. There’s nothing wrong with telling co-workers, friends and family that you're single. People aren’t mind readers; if you don’t tell them what your situation is, they won’t know. And think about it: everyone loves to help out their friends in the romance department.

I will take more chances. You'll have to do more than wish for an active dating life before it will actually happen. Going to the same happy hour every Friday night and meeting the same people every week will probably not fill up your social calendar. Do things you’ve never done before: join a club, take a class or search for local singles online. The more you put yourself in new environments, the better your chances are of meeting someone new. Keep your eyes open to all possibilities; inevitably you'll find your special someone where you least expect.
Resolve to be prepared for next year's Valentine's Day. What the heck? With a little help from Match.com, you could find a date in time for spring!

Five Creative Ways to Put a Spin on Tradition

by Maryann Reid

Being creative is better than being like everyone elseYou don't need to walk in on an elephant to have a unique wedding that defies tradition. Less is more. As I was planning Marry Your Baby Daddy Day last year, many of my couples had questions about how they can make it "their" wedding when they were sharing it with 9 other couples. Below are a few suggestions to add a new twist:

* Are you getting married, want the reception to last all night, but you can only afford a few hours? Have a midnight champagne toast in your home, invite only the closest family and friends, share cake, and do a simple spread for the table (BJs has tasty, wonderful appetizer choices).

* Get married outside. Community parks have affordable rates for couples who want to marry quick in a natural environment. It is also a good place to sneak in some nice pictures on your way to the reception.

* Plan a destination wedding. Have too many friends and family? This is the best way to limit the crowd and any wedding planning on your end. The good news is, when it's done, you are already on your honeymoon.

* Jump the broom. You don't have to have an African themed wedding to jump the broom. It's fun, creative, and gets people involved. Have you entire bridal party jump the broom on your way out.

* Have a barbecue. Getting married during the day? Get the grill out, go to your neighborhood park or backyard and bring lots, and lots of napkins. Don't forget the boombox. Pass the Budlight...

Maryann Reidemail: mreidwrites@aol.comphone: 212 946 5164
web: http://www.marryyourbabydaddy.com

Better Than Sex Recipes

Better Than Sex Recipes
By The Wet Noodle Poose

It's the month of love, but this month's recipes are so scrumptious you just might decide they're better than sex.

Better Than Sex Pie

Contributed by Pam Payne

1 1/2 cups flour

1 1/2 sticks margarine or butter at room temperature

1 cup pecans8 ounces cream cheese

1 cup powdered sugar

1 large container of Cool Whip

1 large (5.1-ounce) package

and 1 small (3.9-ounce) package instant, chocolate pudding mix4 1/2 cups cold milk

For the crust, mix the flour, margarine or butter, and pecans together to make a stiff dough. (I usually end up squeezing it together with my hands until I have a moistened ball.) Press into a 9x15-inch pan, and bake at 325 degrees for 15-20 minutes. Set it aside to cool.Next layer: combine softened cream cheese, powdered sugar and 1 cup of the Cool Whip, and spread over crust.Next layer: Fix the 2 packages of pudding using 4 1/2 cups of milk. Whisk for 2 minutes until thickened. Spread over cream cheese layer.Next layer: Top with remaining Cool Whip. You can garnish it with chocolate shavings if desired.Be careful, though. Once you start eating it, it's hard to stop.

Better Than Sex Brownies(Based on the recipe from The Fannie Farmer Baking Book)

Contributed by Maureen Hardegree

Ingredients:4 ounces (4 squares) unsweetened baking chocolate, chopped1/2 cup (1 stick) unsalted butter chopped into pats2 eggs1 teaspoon vanilla extract1 1/2 cups granulated sugar1/4 teaspoon salt1/2 cup flour

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.

Grease and flour an 8-inch square pan. DO NOT USE A RECTANGULAR PAN! Place the butter and chocolate in a saucepan, and melt over low heat. Stir frequently. Once the butter and chocolate are melted and combined, take the saucepan off of the heat and set aside for a few minutes to cool. Once cool, add vanilla, sugar, salt and eggs. Stir until combined and glossy. Add flour to the chocolate mixture in saucepan, and stir until incorporated. The batter should be thick. Spread batter evenly in square pan. Bake for 30-35 minutes or until a toothpick inserted in the center of the pan comes out BARELY CLEAN. If the toothpick is totally clean, you've over-baked the brownies. Cool, then cut into 16 squares and enjoy!

No Ordinary Trifle

Contributed by Lee McKenzie

This delectable dessert is a feast for the eyes.

Thanks to generous layers of strawberries, chocolate and whipped cream, it's a crowd pleaser.1 pound fresh strawberries (or whole frozen, unsweetened)1 or 2 teaspoons sugar (optional)1 pound cream cheese, softened1/2 cup sugar3 tablespoons orange liqueur (or orange juice)3 cups whipping cream, whippedSponge cake, thinly sliced (my local grocery store sells them, two round layers in a package, but you also can use lady fingers, any basic white cake or a pound cake)6 squares semi-sweet baking chocolate, grated

Slice the strawberries and set aside. If using frozen berries, they're easiest to slice when still frozen. If using fresh strawberries, sprinkle the slices with one or two teaspoons of sugar and toss before you set aside. This draws out the juices, which you need when you assemble the trifle. Reserve a few berries (whole or sliced) for garnish.Beat together cream cheese and the half cup of sugar. Stir in liqueur or orange juice. Fold in whipped cream.Drain the strawberries and reserve the juice. You'll need about one-quarter cup of juice. If necessary, add a little orange juice to make a quarter cup.You'll need a large trifle bowl or other clear glass bowl. Layer the ingredients in this order:

Place half the cake slices in the bottom of the bowl and drizzle with half the reserved strawberry juice.

Cover cake with one-third of the cream cheese mixture.

The next layer consists of half the strawberries. For the best visual effect, press some of the berries against the edge of the bowl.

Sprinkle one-third of the grated chocolate over the berries.
Repeat these layers.

Spread the remaining one-third of the cream cheese mixture over the top.
Garnish: arrange several whole or sliced strawberries on top of the final cream cheese layer, and sprinkle on the rest of the grated chocolate.
Refrigerate for several hours before serving.

*****

For metric conversions of the measurements above, consult any of the following sites:http://southernfood.about.com/library/info/blconv.htm http://www.thatsmyhome.com/recipes/conversion.htm http://www.gourmetsleuth.com/conversions.htm

Ten Tips for Valentine Vixenry

Ten Tips for Valentine VixenryBy Bridget Stuart

Did you know the word "vixen," far from meaning "sexy she-devil," actually means "a female fox" or "a malicious, bad-tempered woman"?

In the true spirit of bad-tempered women the world over let's review the following top ten Valentine tips:

1. Send yourself some flowers with an amorous note, and pretend to be flustered when they're delivered in front of him. Rip the note in half and avoid his eyes: "Oh, they're from Jennifer; she's so thoughtful, but how silly she is! Why should she send me flowers?"

2. Make a reservation at the most romantic restaurant in town that is also extremely hard to find; then argue about every right turn, every left turn, every freeway on-ramp or off-ramp, and keep mumbling comments like, "I knew you should have Mapquested it," all the way there.

3. Give him the Valentine gift of a luxurious spa getaway on his own. Give yourself the gift of some spa clothing and a new overnight bag for the trip.

4. Put on your skimpiest lingerie and sweetest perfume; light candles in the bedroom; kiss him hungrily when he slips between the sheets; then break it off and sigh, turn your back, and move to the other side of the bed.

5. Sing "Someday My Prince Will Come" every time you do the dishes, with a faraway look in your eyes.

6. Re-program his cell-phone ringtone to play a loud, sappy love song. Something by Barry Manilow would be good. For maximum effect, do this before he goes out of town on business or before a night out with "just the guys".

7. When he calls on the phone, let him say, "Hello, honey, this is me," and then say, "Well, hello-o Sergio," in a sexy voice. Unless his name is Sergio. When he freaks out, giggle and say, "Oh, I was just teasing you, honey. You're so cute when you're feeling threatened."

8. When he gives you a box of Valentine chocolate, wrinkle your nose and hand it back to him, with a ticked-off "Haven't you even bothered to notice I'm counting carbs? Don't you care that I work like a dog to keep looking beautiful--and I'm doing it just for you?" Continue this behavior until he apologizes.

9. Throw away his college sweatshirt and when he protests, give a light little laugh and tell him it was for his own good because it made him look even fatter than he really is.

10. Look straight at him with a wounded expression, then let tears start to slide down your cheeks; when he asks what's wrong, just cry harder and keep saying "Nothing, nothing."

And now, since I got your hopes up with that titillating title, here are two "bonus" tips--real ones:

Bonus Tip One: Think Pumpkin Are you hoping for some good lovin' on Valentine's Day? Here's a clue for you: controlled, double-blind studies have proven the top turn-on scent for men is... Pumpkin Pie. (I presume this is for American men, not Fiji Islanders.) Is that disappointing, or what? I tried and tried to figure this one out. My best guess at an explanation is men associate pumpkin pie with home, or more specifically, with going home for the holidays. This means men associate pumpkin pie with their mothers. Why is this sexy? Because men feel safe with their mothers. Accepted. Loved, admired and encouraged. That would make anyone feel open to overtures, right? So here's what you do. First you bake a pumpkin pie. Then you tell him, "Darling, I love, admire, encourage and accept you so much." Don't add any cheeky variations to that sentence, please. Then before he gets distracted by eating any pie, you whip off your apron and make said overtures. Badabing badaboom!

Bonus Tip Two: Men are DogsIf you're hoping Valentine's Day will bring the big, romantic moment when he pops the question, this advice is for you. Bear in mind that men are much more like dogs than they are like women. For example, they will be unswervingly loyal if you continue to show them who's Master--you. They need to be given pats and play and food, but they also need to be trained to jump through hoops. Be cautious, though: like dogs, men can smell fear. So strictly avoid the f-word ("fear") and the d-word ("desperation"). Instead, blithely assume his total love and devotion to you while making him question yours to him and implying he may only obtain it by fighting tooth and claw against the other dogs. The ring will soon follow. Ruff, ruff!Good luck in your kitchen or your kennel... and Happy Valentine's Day!

When she isn't driving her husband out of his mind, Bridget Stuart channels her regrettable tendency to think devious thoughts and do tricky things into writing sassy women's fiction.