Ten Tips for Valentine Vixenry

Ten Tips for Valentine VixenryBy Bridget Stuart

Did you know the word "vixen," far from meaning "sexy she-devil," actually means "a female fox" or "a malicious, bad-tempered woman"?

In the true spirit of bad-tempered women the world over let's review the following top ten Valentine tips:

1. Send yourself some flowers with an amorous note, and pretend to be flustered when they're delivered in front of him. Rip the note in half and avoid his eyes: "Oh, they're from Jennifer; she's so thoughtful, but how silly she is! Why should she send me flowers?"

2. Make a reservation at the most romantic restaurant in town that is also extremely hard to find; then argue about every right turn, every left turn, every freeway on-ramp or off-ramp, and keep mumbling comments like, "I knew you should have Mapquested it," all the way there.

3. Give him the Valentine gift of a luxurious spa getaway on his own. Give yourself the gift of some spa clothing and a new overnight bag for the trip.

4. Put on your skimpiest lingerie and sweetest perfume; light candles in the bedroom; kiss him hungrily when he slips between the sheets; then break it off and sigh, turn your back, and move to the other side of the bed.

5. Sing "Someday My Prince Will Come" every time you do the dishes, with a faraway look in your eyes.

6. Re-program his cell-phone ringtone to play a loud, sappy love song. Something by Barry Manilow would be good. For maximum effect, do this before he goes out of town on business or before a night out with "just the guys".

7. When he calls on the phone, let him say, "Hello, honey, this is me," and then say, "Well, hello-o Sergio," in a sexy voice. Unless his name is Sergio. When he freaks out, giggle and say, "Oh, I was just teasing you, honey. You're so cute when you're feeling threatened."

8. When he gives you a box of Valentine chocolate, wrinkle your nose and hand it back to him, with a ticked-off "Haven't you even bothered to notice I'm counting carbs? Don't you care that I work like a dog to keep looking beautiful--and I'm doing it just for you?" Continue this behavior until he apologizes.

9. Throw away his college sweatshirt and when he protests, give a light little laugh and tell him it was for his own good because it made him look even fatter than he really is.

10. Look straight at him with a wounded expression, then let tears start to slide down your cheeks; when he asks what's wrong, just cry harder and keep saying "Nothing, nothing."

And now, since I got your hopes up with that titillating title, here are two "bonus" tips--real ones:

Bonus Tip One: Think Pumpkin Are you hoping for some good lovin' on Valentine's Day? Here's a clue for you: controlled, double-blind studies have proven the top turn-on scent for men is... Pumpkin Pie. (I presume this is for American men, not Fiji Islanders.) Is that disappointing, or what? I tried and tried to figure this one out. My best guess at an explanation is men associate pumpkin pie with home, or more specifically, with going home for the holidays. This means men associate pumpkin pie with their mothers. Why is this sexy? Because men feel safe with their mothers. Accepted. Loved, admired and encouraged. That would make anyone feel open to overtures, right? So here's what you do. First you bake a pumpkin pie. Then you tell him, "Darling, I love, admire, encourage and accept you so much." Don't add any cheeky variations to that sentence, please. Then before he gets distracted by eating any pie, you whip off your apron and make said overtures. Badabing badaboom!

Bonus Tip Two: Men are DogsIf you're hoping Valentine's Day will bring the big, romantic moment when he pops the question, this advice is for you. Bear in mind that men are much more like dogs than they are like women. For example, they will be unswervingly loyal if you continue to show them who's Master--you. They need to be given pats and play and food, but they also need to be trained to jump through hoops. Be cautious, though: like dogs, men can smell fear. So strictly avoid the f-word ("fear") and the d-word ("desperation"). Instead, blithely assume his total love and devotion to you while making him question yours to him and implying he may only obtain it by fighting tooth and claw against the other dogs. The ring will soon follow. Ruff, ruff!Good luck in your kitchen or your kennel... and Happy Valentine's Day!

When she isn't driving her husband out of his mind, Bridget Stuart channels her regrettable tendency to think devious thoughts and do tricky things into writing sassy women's fiction.